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In This Issue

• HALLOWEEN MUST GO
• Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
• Happy Gentrified Halloween
• I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
• The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
• ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
• The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
• A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
• Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
• A White Male's Take on Feminism
• Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
• A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
• The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
• Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
• Security Issues
• The Smurf Village
• Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
• An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
• Columbionics
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.2

Sarah Levin

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out...

While white men have recently been surpassed in many areas where they were the sole participants for centuries (golf, American politics, white women) they have made significant progress in one area: dancing. Below is a list of top moves unique to the white male.

WHITE MAN'S OVERBITE: For men quite comfortable in their Very White Skin. The WMOB is possibly the most famous patented White Male Move. It is very versatile in that this move can be found from the East Side to the West Side (Upper, of course). No matter where its performed, this move always includes loose fisted "boogie arms" floating at one's sides, with one's head perpetually groovin'. The most essential aspect of this move, however, is the overbite itself, achieved by having so much enthusiasm for the bad pop music playing, that he has to bite his lower lip to contain himself.

STAND STILL & GET GROUND UPON: This is a very simple step that even beginning white dancers can perform. It is typical of a teenaged to early 20's white male who does not know how to dance and yet has a drunken girlfriend/fuck buddy/random chick at a club dancing literally on him. To do, simply stand and situate intoxicated female on your groin or leg area. She will hump and grind you while you remain perfectly still. If it helps, pretend your feet have grown roots into the dance floor. You can either place your hands at your sides, on your hips Peter Pan style, or on her ass.

EMO JUMP: Consisting of jumping up and down with your arms straight down at your sides, this move is acceptable at crowded concerts, but quite awkward when showcased solo. As stated by the title, this move is solely performed by emo kids who are identifiable by the following: black hair, thick rimmed glasses, scars, and size 12 Gap Kids girl jeans.

I'M FROM PHILLY, YO: This move has only been documented once, and will hopefully never be seen again. It starts with a Step-Off, Bitch! Head Roll, followed by a Ru-Paul Snap Snap, and finishes with the Whitest Two-Step East of Ohio. Added flair for maximum Saltine Factor is a grand finale by dropping it like it's hot (but sorry, honey, you sure ain't).

DDR: This is typically performed by overweight pre-teen to teenaged white boys. For maximum effect, you should contract a wicked case of acne and enjoy watching hentai (that's anime porn, btw). Having never been to a club before, but having played countless hours of Dance Dance Revolution, the DDR is performed by said fat teen who arrives at the club thinking his moves are the shit. To perform this move, you stomp one or both feet consecutively in one of four directions while sweating profusely.

DICE: Most currently popularized in the movie "Knocked Up" by Seth Rogen's character, Ben, who knows this move with utter proficiency ("I think that's pretty much all he's got," says a friend of Ben's in the film). And it's true. For the white guy who uses the Dice, he pretty much, almost always, has nothing else to offer. If you have anything besides the Dice in your repertoire, you should do that instead. To do, pretend you are shaking dice in your hand. After a few seconds open your fist to make it look like you are throwing the dice. Repeat. Warning: this move is so utterly bad that only white guys could perform it.

MOSHING: Only a group so cocky about their societal standing would risk acting so fucking dumb in public. This move as simple to perform as getting the shit kicked out of you. You merely start a mosh pit and then proceed to punch, kick, and bite in a circular fashion until one or all of the participants are bleeding. Bonus points if you can get the chicks lining the circle ("Kick her in the uterus!").

DOC: Stands for Doctor of Cool. Originated by Katz's father, Dr. Jerry Katz, it is typically used by drunken middle-aged white men who believe they have a semblance of what we call "groove." In order to perform this step correctly, you should be wearing a beat up baseball cap, last year's Nike shades, and a fanny-pack. Also, you should have imbibed about nine beers, give or take your alcohol tolerance. To begin, you place clenched fists at shoulder height, with your elbows pointing downward, cocked at a 40° angle away from your body. Now thrust your fists in the air and immediately retract to the first position. Repeat innumerably till you stumble or pass out. For added flair you can shake your booty in a manner not becoming of a 45-year-old white man.

THE ROBOT: Made popular by one of the most famous white dancers of our time, Michael Jackson, this mechanical-looking party move will never get old. Seriously, there is nothing a lady loves more than when her dance partner breaks out the ol' robot. This move gives you a plethora of options; you could be one of many a robot, including, but not limited to, the simple Iron Chef, the Out-of-Order Bot, or the I'm-Trying-Way-Too-Hard-for-This-Shit Robot (the latter includes robotic voice). Each has similar moves but the successfulness truly on skill level. Even when perfectly executed, the last time this move was actually cool was 1989.

I'VE LEARNED HOW TO MOVE MY HIPS AND NOW I'M AWKWARDLY MOVING MY HIPS: For a man or boy who is perpetually kindergarten aged or just kind of gay (but with no groove). This move looks as if this guy just realized he has the use of his hip and pelvic region and is overjoyed by it. It is performed by swiftly jutting one hip out to the side followed by the reverse movement. The effect should be one of utter flamboyancy and lack of coordination, closely resembling a child doing the pee-pee-dance.