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In This Issue

• HALLOWEEN MUST GO
• Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
• Happy Gentrified Halloween
• I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
• The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
• ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
• The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
• A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
• Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
• A White Male's Take on Feminism
• Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
• A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
• The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
• Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
• Security Issues
• The Smurf Village
• Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
• An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
• Columbionics
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.2

Umm… Hello? Is this the Columbia Escort Service? Yeah, I’ll hold.

Yes? Hi. Yes. Yes. Yes, I’m right at the South Lawn here. Yes, that blue box. I know it’s broken. It’s not now.

Umm… it was an easy fix. I think. I guess. I don’t know. Look, I’m really nervous about this. It’s, like, ten at night, there’s nobody around…

What? Well, those’re like, I dunno, Frisbee nerds laughing on the grass or something, they don’t really count as people. Look, nobody’s around, okay? Could you just… y’know… send someone?

Well, it’s just that I’ve never really done this before. I mean… there’s no real shame in it, I guess. Everyone feels the need once in awhile, right?

That’s good, I guess. Yeah. I just feel a little… stupid, you know? Like, I don’t really need it, but it’d be nice to have. Everything’s so stressful and all, I just don’t have time to watch out for…

Oh. Sorry. Yeah. Jeez, I am going on, huh? I guess it’s just – Yeah, I’ll hold.

No, it’s fine, it’s fine. Hi. So, yeah. An escort! That’s what I need. An escort. Can you help me out, here?

Well, does Harrison still work there? You know, the one with the nice abs and the razor cut from the crew team?

Umm… I mean… you know. I just… would prefer it, right?

Well, could you just… just see if he’s free? It’d be great, you know. I know the service is free and everything, and, uh, hey, beggars can’t be choosers, right? Yeah, exactly, I know, I know. Well, if he’s there, still, just… y’know, send him along.

Umm. Right. My dorm? I live in Furnald. It’s a nice single, quiet, not a lot of fuss…

Well, yes, it’s close, sure. I can see it right from where I’m standing. No, it’s not an emergency or anything. No, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m just… a little shaky, all right? This is tough to say. You guys are making this harder than it needs to be. I just want an escort for tonight, to Furnald. Is that so much to ask?

You’re not busy, your boxes don’t even… I mean, I had to – Yeah, I’ll hold.

Huh? No. Yes. An escort. At the South Lawn box. To Furnald. Preferably Harrison, if he’s free. Just for a few hours.

What? No, of course it doesn’t take that long! I mean, I’m nervous, it’s a short walk… but you guys’re free, right? I know you probably get a ton of callers, I mean, I saw that girl with the horrible acne up on College Walk talking about Cathedral Gardens or something. That’s gotta be a pain in the ass to go all the way out to for some Barnard girl’s “needs,” but really, us Columbia guys, we have just the same sorts of “needs,” you know?

Public Safety? I’m very safe. I’m into all kinds of protection. Nobody needs to worry, here.

Huh? Well, I mean, it’d really make me feel a lot better. You know the stress levels these days.

Who knows? Did you send Harrison to Cathedral Gardens? Maybe it’d make him feel a lot better, too? That girl was really not sanit...

Yeah, I’ll hold.