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In This Issue

• HALLOWEEN MUST GO
• Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
• Happy Gentrified Halloween
• I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
• The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
• ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
• The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
• A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
• Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
• A White Male's Take on Feminism
• Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
• A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
• The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
• Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
• Security Issues
• The Smurf Village
• Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
• An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
• Columbionics
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.2

Ria Mar-Fan

The day I received my acceptance letter from Barnard was the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, this day took a turn for the worse when I remembered my horrible sleepaway camp experience. They were the worst two weeks of my life, and not because of homesickness. No, my number one problem at sleepaway camp was taking a number two. Public pooping doesn’t seem to be that viable of a skill until you are forced to go two weeks without pooping a single time. Oh, the clenching I endured! When I fearfully asked an older friend how it was possible to poop at college, he told me, “Something really magical happens to you… I don’t want to spoil it!” At the time, I assumed that he meant I would be mysteriously comfortable with my own and other people’s bodily functions the second I walked through the college gates. Unfortunately, it seems that he actually meant that at his school they offer free anus removal. For the first four weeks of college, I exclusively used the bathroom on the first floor of Barnard Hall (the Holy Grail of pooping: not only is it isolated and a single stall, it’s self flushing: the toilet itself destroys all the evidence for you!), I began a long inner journey to discover the best ways to furtively poop in public. In your hands are the results of that journey: the ten most useful furtive pooping tips, techniques and strategies.

1. Barricade yourself in the bathroom. I advise bringing a desk chair from your room. Cementing the door shut is a basically fool-proof method, although the disadvantage of quick-dry cement is the difficulty in getting out again—be sure to bring a pickaxe and a charged cell phone (just in case!). The main con of technique number one is time. It would be great if you had enough notice to cement yourself into the bathroom every time you had to poop, but unfortunately, poop doesn’t always give you advance notice. This brings us to our second technique.

2. Kill everyone else in the bathroom. This works as a preemptive strike or damage control, however you choose to use it. The windows don’t always open enough to make defenestration possible, but we feel confident that a desperate enough pooper will find a way. I hasten to add that the Fed in no way condones murder, particularly not by twisting toilet paper into a wiry strand that can be used to garrote someone innocently brushing his or her teeth. Or whatever else you come up with.

3. Stop eating. This technique prevents pooping like abstinence prevents babies. Also helpful with regards to avoiding the freshman fifteen. There are a few risks connected with this method, chiefly that it can lead to inappropriate stomach noises (embarrassing!) and of course, starvation and ultimately death.

4. Poop like a ninja. If you can tunnel directly into the stall, you have little chance of being discovered. Above all, do not wear distinctive shoes. Ideally, buy a new pair in secret and destroy them immediately after each poop. If someone recognizes them, you are in danger of going on the Known Poopers List. If you are afraid you will have to enter or exit during a high traffic time, a full body disguise is necessary. Dressing like a ninja works well, and lends an air of mystery to the pooping ordeal. If you want to appear more realistic, donning one of those Richard Nixon facemasks works well. Nixon masks also have the advantages of making people want to avoid you, and having people take your pooping at face value. It isn’t hard to believe that Richard Nixon would poop. This is why an Al Gore mask is less effective. If your true persona is revealed, refer to tip #2.

5. Fake a seizure. This is a desperate bid; the advanced pooper’s last resort. It involves faking a seizure, pooping,and falling down. It is very important to let someone witness the entirety of your seizure—it would be very unfortunate if they mistook your seizure for just pooping and falling asleep. While this method does nothing to hide your pooping, it is the only circumstance during which pooping is not embarrassing—indeed, it is appropriate.

6. Bring a sonic decoy with you to the bathroom. The courtesy flush is so five minutes ago—that second flush might as well be an announcement saying “I just pooped.” The updated “sonic coverup” technique is a favorite among furtive poopers everywhere. Bringing a boombox into the stall is nice because not only do you cover the noise, you can pump yourself up with a pooping playlist. Make sure to include “the Final Countdown” by Europe. More unconventional choices of noisemaker can cover anything from maracas to a power drill. Maracas are festive as well as effective because you can adjust the rhythm depending on what stage in the pooping process you are at, and power drills and jackhammers are a fabulous option because you can perform construction while pooping.

7. Create a diversion. A good way to ensure the building will be empty is to pull a fire alarm—the only way to be really sure is to set an actual fire. If you have a pooping accomplice, get him or her to run around naked throwing money. No red-blooded Columbia student would be able to remain in the bathroom and miss this spectacle. Just remember, it works both ways.

8. Work out a pooping schedule with your floor. Some people are lucky enough to be very close to their floormates. Start by making a tentative joke in the TV lounge during America’s Next Top Model about how hard it is to poop. Once they agree, whip out an Excel chart to fill out and say “I’m so glad you agree.” Make sure to add a grace period onto each person’s allotted pooping time so that everyone can preserve the fiction that no pooping has occurred.

9. Analyze your floor pooping patterns. If you are not lucky enough to have a cooperative floor a la tip #8, set up surveillance to analyze minimum pooping times. Once you have several weeks’ worth of data, determine the time of day during which no one is in the bathroom. This time tends to be around 5:45 AM. That is too early for any normal person to wake up, and if someone is just getting back, you can assume they are drunk and will not understand what you are doing.

10. Damage control. Even the most experienced poopers let down their guard once in a while. If you didn’t bring an emergency disguise, and you aren’t comfortable jumping out the window, you need to resort to damage control (that or reread tip #2). The foolish pooper will act disgusted or even try to play it off like there was no pooping at all (“God, this shoe sure is squeaky!”). Anyone can see through that charade. What works better is to laugh maniacally and yell “NICE”. When you leave the stall, be sure to loudly talk about what a great poop it was and how jealous you are of such magnificent pooping skills. This will convince them that you are not the pooping culprit—not only have you effectively denied pooping, you have also made it clear that if you were the culprit, you would take credit for it.

I hope you have found these tips a valuable read in your quest for a safe pooping environment. Hopefully the next time you see someone breaking his way out of a bathroom with a pickaxe, you will recognize the signs of a fellow furtive pooper. There is no need to say it out loud, just smile quietly to yourself and give the poor pooper some privacy. Just remember: when done properly, pooping is the shit.