• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• HALLOWEEN MUST GO
• Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
• Happy Gentrified Halloween
• I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
• The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
• ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
• The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
• A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
• Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
• A White Male's Take on Feminism
• Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
• A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
• The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
• Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
• Security Issues
• The Smurf Village
• Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
• An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
• Columbionics
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.2

Let me start by saying that I have a lot of respect for Lee Bollinger as a First Amendment scholar. He probably knows a lot about freedom of speech-way more than I do at least! Freedom of speech sounds pretty simple, but First Amendment scholars have to interpret the amendment, like deciding whether you're allowed to punch someone in the face if they call you a shitfuck. You guys probably know all about the First Amendment, but what I'll bet you didn't know is that there's an even cooler amendment: the Second Amendment.

Basically, the Second Amendment says that you're allowed to have guns. This is a pretty cool idea, because I shot a gun at a target at Camp Meadowlark in seventh grade, and that was pretty awesome. So my idea is, if we already have a First Amendment scholar at Columbia, we should have a Second Amendment scholar too. Now, I'm not one to brag, but I know just the person who could fill this spot: me! I know a fair bit about the finer points of guns, like how to shoot them. I would even be willing to read the whole Second Amendment so I could be able to answer some more complicated questions, like whether you should be allowed to shoot guns up in the air to celebrate stuff. (Answer: probably not! Unless you can make it really authentic by putting on a cowboy hat and shouting "yee-haw.")

I even know some technical stuff about guns. For instance, I'll bet you didn't know that a standard Smith & Wesson .38 can fire a .22 partridge (thanks Wikipedia)! When I was waiting to get a haircut last week I looked through a copy of Guns & Ammo, which was pretty informative. And, despite what people might try to tell you, it's not just a magazine for stupid hicks! They had a logic puzzle in it which was pretty tough, there was this picture of a bear and you had to figure out where to aim your gun if the bear is moving towards you. I guessed it would be right in the center of the bear's chest, and I was right, but I didn't write down the answer because I didn't want to spoil it for other people who wanted to try to solve the puzzle. I'm pretty good at solving puzzles, but I'm not a nerd or anything like that.

Not that I have anything against nerds. In fact, did you know that the French mathematician Galois (probably the biggest nerd of all time besides Austin Powers) died in a duel? A duel was a kind of gunfight where you and your opponent had to shoot at each other at the same time from a certain distance. I think it would have been pretty easy to cheat, because you can just shoot the other guy in the back before he's ready, but maybe they had a referee to make sure that didn't happen. Anyhow, Galois stayed up all night before the duel to finish some math proof he was working on, because he knew he would probably lose (usually the person who loses in a duel dies). Which brings me to my next point, which is that I know a lot of stuff that's not about guns. My friend said to me the other day that all I seem to know about are guns, but that's just not true. I know a lot of other stuff, including tanks, fighter planes, and swords. I also know some sports trivia, like that the Washington Wizards (basketball team) used to be called the Washington Bullets. Now that's a bit of history not everyone knows!

Anyway, I think I've shown that I'm qualified to be Columbia's resident Second Amendment scholar. It would be a great honor for me, and a great service to the community. I'm going to read the Second Amendment this weekend (or maybe just the Sparknotes, but don't tell anybody!) If you ever have any questions about the Second Amendment, you know who to ask!