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In This Issue
- HALLOWEEN MUST GO
- Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
- Happy Gentrified Halloween
- I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
- The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
- ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
- The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
- A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
- Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
- A White Male's Take on Feminism
- Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
- A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
- The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
- Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
- Security Issues
- The Smurf Village
- Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
- An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
- Columbionics
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 23.2
THEY WATCH
Their eyes are upon us. THEY stare…cold, relentless, like the eyes of that painting in John Jay Lounge that seem to follow me around the room. And now THEY strike in my most hallowed of holies: the place where I pee. The recent graffiti incident proves that our toilets are no longer the safe spaces of calm and erudition they once were. To investigate this further, I recently went on a scavenger hunt around various campus bathrooms in order to identify just who else THEY are.
I: China? CHINA? I saw this one in Schermerhorn. Perhaps their domination of the world economy, pollution of the earth, and unanswered issues on human rights will in some way affect my children. Actually, I just think the guy who writes “China?” has been following me, because I see it everywhere. I’m not sure in which way I’m being oppressed, but I guess that’s why there’s a question mark. China = THEY?
II: n00bs! I saw this one in a Furnald bathroom. I’d imagine a n00b to be about two foot tall and fluffy, with five eyes and rows of teeth. Or maybe it’s the brown squelchy thing living in the cistern that’ll nip your finger if you try to fix the toilet. In any case, this one is definitely out to get me, and I’ll be damned if the administration doesn’t hear about it. n00bs! = THEY!
III: Red Sox fans are pussies. Except, according to the stall one floor up in Hamilton, Yankees fans are wiener-schnitzels. I can’t decide which team victimizes me more, but I suppose the Red Sox won that big competition and all, so the Yankee team are probably shitting green with envy and more likely to lash out at me irrationally. New York Yankees = THEY!