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In This Issue

• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part One of Two)
• Our Shining Futures
• A Descent into Madness and Confusion
• Outed Characters in Literature Humanities
• Iraq Exit Strategy: The Boardgame!
• Campus Characters
• Ugg Season Descends on Barnard (or: DAS BOOT)
• Drunker Strike
• Scenes from South Lawn
• The Art of Ray Johnson
• ABC: Your Money Is Now Our Money (or the V-Show's)
• A Message From Public Safety
• The Great Scientific Experiment
• Brown Bagging
• THEY Watch
• The Staff
• The Fed Presents: The Spirit Of Giving

Dear INSERT NAME HERE,

We are sorry to inform you, but your request for funds from the Activities Board at Columbia has been denied. In addition, we apologize further for the delay in our response, but thank you for the immense mirth you brought our otherwise joyless lives. However, after rolling around on the floor for three straight days, we finally were able to breathe again and promptly denied your funds request.

It's not that we don't like you. We think every school must need an a capella group devoted to bringing to life "artistic" arrangements of William Shatner's musical visions. However, given our budgetary constraints, we doubt that we will be able to spare any extra money from our already taxed coffers for your Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan-themed study break. We admire your devotion to your cause, but we just can't afford to spare any money for an event such as this.

In addition, we regret to inform you that not only will be unable to provide you with the additional money for your "event," but we're also going to have to re-appropriate some of the funds we provided you earlier. We're going to need you to return $550 of the $50 provided to you earlier in the year to help fund the Varsity Show. Their budget this year was cut back by $10 and we need to make up the difference somehow. As you undoubtedly know, their choreographer simply could not function with out a personal choreographer.

We would like to thank you for the gift you sent in with your proposal. We note that it is not standard procedure to include a gift with your budget proposal form, although we found it very charming that you would do so. However, we were quite surprised when opening the box to discover it was a severed head. This made it very difficult to see all of your proposal due to the blood stains. But again, thank you for the kind thought. We "re-gifted" the head to Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center, and wanted you to know that you are both contributing to the march of science and participating indirectly in a wonderful kickback plan that allows us to trade organs to increase profit margins to the point where we can pressure attractive members of dance troupes for sexual favors.

We hope you enjoy your week!

Sincerely,
The Activities Board at Columbia