• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part One of Two)
• Our Shining Futures
• A Descent into Madness and Confusion
• Outed Characters in Literature Humanities
• Iraq Exit Strategy: The Boardgame!
• Campus Characters
• Ugg Season Descends on Barnard (or: DAS BOOT)
• Drunker Strike
• Scenes from South Lawn
• The Art of Ray Johnson
• ABC: Your Money Is Now Our Money (or the V-Show's)
• A Message From Public Safety
• The Great Scientific Experiment
• Brown Bagging
• THEY Watch
• The Staff
• The Fed Presents: The Spirit Of Giving

The world is growing at a phenomenal pace. Populations swell and economies boom as technology constantly betters itself and global connectivity becomes a reality. Social and cultural trends are also in a continual state of change. Attempting to quantify any such socio-cultural change is a predictive method rife with uncertainty, but a recent study by researchers at Columbia’s Mailman School of Public Health may now have this cracked. Codenamed “Generation Z”, an examination of emerging social trends predicts what the next crop of young Americans could be like. We present to you some of their findings.

Life Expectations:

Studies show that young children today are much more likely to be showered with their parents’ love and affection. That is, given that love and affection is modeled as directly proportional to material offering. In twenty years, not only will the market continue to more rapidly produce the “must-have” items that trump those before them, but the increasingly long hours American adults work each year means that the quick and easy solution to the “shutting them the fuck up” problem will be to throw yet another gift in the way of a child. Research shows that an average of one present every 1.7 days should be given in order to secure the love of a child of Generation Z.

Of Course, everything being relative, not just any old present will do – the child must be given what his peers possess. The study concluded that if a child does not possess a wide-screen TV/ Nintendo/ surround sound system by the age of six, there is a 70% chance of slipping into depression, and that if they are denied a dirt bike/pony, there is a 85% chance of suicide whilst a teen.

Language:

Today’s online discourses and text message speak hark merely the beginning of the new direction of the English language. Abbreviations, emoticons, and slang, through extensive use, will eventually be accepted as correct and suitable speech. How might this sound? Examples below illustrate how Shakespeare would translate into “Zspeak”

“Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.” (Rom & Jul, Act i. Sc.5)

Translation: “What up…?! Chick iz bitchin’! My <3 beats like totally duh…”

“Have more than though showest; speak less than thou knowest; lend less than thou owest” (K Lear, Act i, Sc.4)

Translation: “Shut yo trap! Bitches stopz yappin’! Momma’s fat ass can’t catch shit!

However, since 90% of social interaction will take place electronically, it is in this area that we shall see the most prominent development. The next generation of emoticons will rise to new levels of meaning. For example, pressing Alt+Shift+4B3J6 shall produce an adorably animated expression which conveys “I am unsure of my feelings at this time. I feel simultaneously attached to you, but wary of the promise of commitment.” Pressing Alt+Shift+7YK89 might yield “Perhaps my attempts to engage you between the sheets last night gave the impression I have a single motive in this relationship. I can assure you this is not the case – may we discuss?”

Names:

This is one realm which can be quantified with absolute certainty, thanks to the rankings on babynames. com. Names such as “John”, “Catherine”, “Mark”, and “Jennifer” will be virtually nonexistent, while “Parker”, “Keegan”, “MacKenzie” and “Reagan” flourish. Examine what could serve as a typical synopsis to a sitcom of the period:

Jayden and Cayden both invite Skylar to the prom, but Skylar’s still Alt+Shift+9CY32-ing Keegan, who’s been secretly two-timing Riley and Payton. Brayden and Riley get busted for cheating in social studies, Cayden finds out he isn’t the father of Savannah’s baby, and that it’s either Brayden’s or Jayden’s, who got wasted and made out with each other the night before anyway.

Image and Sexuality:

Because of advent of the internet, today’s pre-teens are the first generation that does not have to work to find porn. That is, instead of a woman’s vagina being the schoolyard topic of speculation and wonder it once was, today’s little boy has several of them thrown at him in pop-up windows every time he logs on to his computer. In addition, popular music continues to promote sexual promiscuity as a cultural norm, as clothing in music videos, it is believed, will gradually dwindle to a state of non-existence (the study predicts around 2011). As this trend continues over the next twenty years, Generation Z will have a heightened expectation of sexuality never seen before. In grade schools, new social hierarchies order around sexual prowess, while MTV divas shorten in stature, jean skirts become available in increasingly petite dimensions, before “Victoria’s Secret Junior!” opens its doors nation-wide with its array of denim loin cloths and training bras. Increased pre-teen pregnancy rates, however, will be countered with a newly-created edutainment niche, yielding such morning television programs as “Sex Ed with Barney”, while the neighborhood trick-or treaters get condoms and lube in their goody-bags.

The trained male will sport this treat, reaping social acceptance and experience. The uninitiated sit in the corner and make balloon animals.