• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part One of Two)
• Our Shining Futures
• A Descent into Madness and Confusion
• Outed Characters in Literature Humanities
• Iraq Exit Strategy: The Boardgame!
• Campus Characters
• Ugg Season Descends on Barnard (or: DAS BOOT)
• Drunker Strike
• Scenes from South Lawn
• The Art of Ray Johnson
• ABC: Your Money Is Now Our Money (or the V-Show's)
• A Message From Public Safety
• The Great Scientific Experiment
• Brown Bagging
• THEY Watch
• The Staff
• The Fed Presents: The Spirit Of Giving

This month we’re meant to be “thankful,” but with so much THEY around it’s tough to thank anything except my cold heart for keeping out even the most unseasonable of warm weather in order to further my disdain. To hell with “thanks.” This month, THEY WATCH protests everything. That’ll teach it.

I. I’m sitting in my tent on strike day six when the fascist pigs from Health Services come to check my vital signs. They tell me I’m in danger of a “health emergency.” So I look her in the eye and bellow “well, don’t you look tasty today.” Next thing I know, I’m covered in blood and strapped to a gurney, but my stomach is full and my cause is just! Not letting hunger strikers starve = THEY!!!

II. Hey dude, I’m all about fighting the man, even if the man is Chinese and therefore vaguely ethnic, but that’s some prime protesting real estate you’re taking away from me and my cause. Sure, maybe there’s mass persecution in some far off land, but right here, right now, there are serious issues next door, and we don’t want you crimping our style. Plus, I could get a cool $300,000 by harvesting your organs. Falun Gong = THEY!!!

III. Your tryptophanic turkey is my oppression. Your cranberry sauce is my grandmother’s shame. Your stuffing is my suppression. And your light gravy is probably a hand-me-down from Thomas Jefferson’s colonialist cookbook of cruelty. In-laws, however, are annoying no matter whose they are. Thanksgiving = THEY!!!