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In This Issue

• The Sex Strike: Year Three
• Your Neighbors’ Christmas Lights & Personalities
• Excerpts from “A Jigsaw Christmas Carol”
• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part Two of a Two-Part Series)
• Things to do with THE FED (besides reading it)
• An Erotic Channukah For The Hot Maccabee In You
• In A Land Of “Wonderful Christmastime,” The Seeds Of Discontent Form In A Chinese Drug
• Columbionics
• Inability to work v. Lateness
• Santa Outsources to China
• They Watch
• The Staff of 23.4

Sarah Levin

Nicholas Murray Butt-ler

Sexy Santa lingerie, elf porn, gingerbread scented (flavored?) anal beads... For those couples who celebrate Christmas, there are many gift options to spice up the season. For the Jews among us, however, finding a Chanukah gift that says “I love you, or at least like you enough to bone” has for years been nearly impossible. Fortunately, Jews secretly rule the world and eat babies, and have recently bribed manufacturers into producing gifts that are perfect for that semitic sex god or goddess in your life. Here are some of our personal favorites:

Trim Your Own Chanukah Bush Kit:

Why not switch from your everyday landing strip to something a little more festive? This wonderful, all-inclusive kit turns the lush, dark, curly hair of any Jewess into the fabled “Chanukah Bush” by shaping down-there-hair into a Star of David. Kit includes wax and waxing strips, miniature hedge-clippers, and, for the really adventurous, blue dye.

Miracle Oil Personal Lubricant:

This delicious, latke-flavored oil allows for hours of wet, certified kosher fun. And, just like in the Chanukah story, it’ll burn for eight nights!

Sexy Shiksa Costume:

Jewish ladies, don’t let your NJB (nice Jewish boy) stray! Indulge his wildest fantasy, due to years of living with a jewish mother, of shtupping a Shiksa with this complete Shiksa costume! Includes blonde wig, cross necklace, glue-on button nose, and faux-designer clothing.

Naughty Dreidle:

Have you been naughty or nice this year? Obviously naughty according to Santa, you Jew, so you might as well make the most of it. We have all heard of strip dreidle, but this spinning top takes the game one step further with new interpretations of the four Hebrew-lettered faces.

Shin- You won’t be sorry when the dreidel lands on this letter anymore. Shin, stick it in.

Hay- Hay means half, as bend her in half...and stick it in.

Nun- None, as in no condoms allowed. (Dreidel is supposed to be a game of risk!)

Gimmel- The meaning of this letter, that you get all of the money, remains the same, because you know nothing turns a Jew on like lots of money!

Jewish Man Dildo:

What every little Jewish girl dreams about! This plastic penis will make any woman melt. Realistic olive tone, circumcised-style, four inches long. MD or JD certificate sold separately.