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In This Issue

• The Sex Strike: Year Three
• Your Neighbors’ Christmas Lights & Personalities
• Excerpts from “A Jigsaw Christmas Carol”
• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part Two of a Two-Part Series)
• Things to do with THE FED (besides reading it)
• An Erotic Channukah For The Hot Maccabee In You
• In A Land Of “Wonderful Christmastime,” The Seeds Of Discontent Form In A Chinese Drug
• Columbionics
• Inability to work v. Lateness
• Santa Outsources to China
• They Watch
• The Staff of 23.4

Michael Bredin

Lately, a troubling fad has begun to take hold with the nation’s troubled Jewish youth.  Discontent with feeling discriminated against in a Christian-centric culture, which culminates in a day-long imprisonment on Christmas when nothing is open, drug abuse has spiked with young Semites.  No longer content with more popular drugs like marijuana and cocaine, a new drug has become popular among college-aged Jews.  MSG, also called Chinese salt and meshugganah, causes hyperactivity and, when consumed in large quantities, vivid hallucinations.  MSG is commonly found in low-quality Chinese food and toys as a “flavor enhancer”; since American Jews consume an average of 20 million tons of Chinese food on December 24th and 25th, it was only a matter of time before MSG’s chemical properties were abused for recreational purposes.

I spoke with one such user, Jacob, who preferred to use a false name for fear that his parents would take away his car.  “Christmas is such a fucking drag, there’s nothing to do, nothing to watch on TV - it’s all the same boring holiday specials or A Christmas Story on a loop for two days.  What else am I supposed to do? Masturbation only kills three, four hours tops. With a big enough dose of MSG, I’m entertained for all of Christmas Eve and then I can sleep through Christmas Day.”

In order to procure this drug, users must eat a large amount of Chinese food: “Usually a quart of lo mein, an egg roll, and some dumplings,” Jacob said.  “I like to smoke a blunt before I eat, so I can actually stuff it all down.” Another method which is quickly gaining popularity is to treat Chinese food as any other drug and smoke it: an anonymous MSG user said that she got her high by freebasing chicken fried rice, and that it made for a stronger high with none of the guilt of consuming thousands of calories.

So what does one do when high on MSG? “It’s fun to do meshugganah with friends,” Jacob said, wiping his hands onto his shirt, already stained with previous dips into takeout boxes of General Tso’s Chicken. “We usually end up playing some sweet games, like Extreme Dreidel. You get all of these plastic dreidels lying around, so we chuck them at each other. Whoever loses a tooth or breaks a ceramic figure of a rabbi loses. We usually end up eating a few bags of chocolate gelt, though one time I mistook a Sacajawea dollar for candy.  That was an interesting six hours in the emergency room.”

What can we, as a society, do about this disturbing trend?  Our future doctors, lawyers, and accountants may start to reconsider careers in non-profits or even joining the Peace Corps. Hundreds of Jewish parents already wail and beat their breasts as their children imply that their mother’s cooking is no longer “good enough” for them, while attempts to bring them into contact with non-observant revelers on Christmas, such as Muslims, have only resulted in strife and name calling. Many restaurants have already cut MSG from their recipes, but being a cheap substitute for cooking skills, low-quality Chinese restaurants depend on this substance to make their food passable and stay afloat. “Chinese food is one of the last things cable news doesn’t freak out about when it comes to the ‘New Red Menace,’” said a Hunan cuisine proprietor who chose to remain anonymous. “If we lose that, we’ll have to start importing pirated DVDs.” He held up a copy of A Christmas Story, re-titled Young Dick Cheney Happy Gun-Time Adventures. “Don’t take away my pride.”