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In This Issue

• The Sex Strike: Year Three
• Your Neighbors’ Christmas Lights & Personalities
• Excerpts from “A Jigsaw Christmas Carol”
• Festivalia 2006-2007 (Part Two of a Two-Part Series)
• Things to do with THE FED (besides reading it)
• An Erotic Channukah For The Hot Maccabee In You
• In A Land Of “Wonderful Christmastime,” The Seeds Of Discontent Form In A Chinese Drug
• Columbionics
• Inability to work v. Lateness
• Santa Outsources to China
• They Watch
• The Staff of 23.4

Michael Bredin

Lawrence Brewer, SEAS ’09, yesterday announced to reporters that he has been staging a three-year “sex strike” to protest unfair university policies. He released this statement:

“I’m sure many of you have been wondering, ‘Why isn’t Larry racking up the poon? He’s so charming and handsome and yet I never see him with any ladies.’ Many of you have supposed I’m a homosexual. This is completely untrue. I frequently masturbate to pictures of women being beaten with reeds and blunt objects--gorecore, as it’s more colloquially known. And my heterosexual traits don’t stop there—I also swim and drop acid.

“Obviously, you must be wondering why such a virile and eligible young man would forego the pleasures of the dark swamp that is the vagina. Well, my friends, I am critical of many of our university’s policies. Particularly those that concern the Core Curriculum. Early in my freshman year, I decided that I would not have sexual intercourse until the administration reformed the core to include more works by women and people of color. In order to take part in today’s global society, a young person needs exposure to many traditions and ways of thinking. Our core just isn’t doing that.

“For the past three years, I’ve maintained complete abstinence in protest to this bullheaded cultural imperialism. It’s been tough going without female company, but I feel that to compromise my strike at this point would be absurd. I’ve worked so hard, done so many pushups and fought so many men in bars and truck rest-stops. Nope, I will not stick my penis into so much as a glory-hole until the core curriculum is reformed.”

Emily Vasquez, president of the College Liberals, applauded Brewer’s sex strike.

“If only there were more people like Brewer, we’d see real change on this campus,” said Vasquez.

Vasquez isn’t Brewer’s only supporter. James McRyan, president of the Delta Alpha Beta fraternity, also stands in Brewer’s corner.

“He’s just a freaky little dude, you know?” said McRyan. “He came to one of our parties and started doing card tricks. He was pretty good. Then he jabbed this freshmen pledge in the eye with his index finger. That wasn’t too cool but it was kind of funny.”

From his yacht in the British Virgin Islands, President Bollinger voiced his concern.

“Mr. Brewer is obviously a very troubled young man,” said Bollinger.

When asked for further comment, Bollinger urged Brewer to seek out Columbia Psychological Services or attend a SuperSaturday career orientation.