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In This Issue
- My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
- Jesus is Found
- Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
- Facial Hair Suspected
- The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
- Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
- The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
- Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
- Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
- Get Your Artistic Freak On
- A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
- Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
- Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
- "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
- Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
- Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
- Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 23.5
Facial Hair Suspected
Adam Valen Levinson
NEW YORK — On the eighth floor of Broadway, Sheldon Poole was able to convince his floormates that he actually shaves. On Monday, he entered the room of Mark Rosenthal, an elevator acquaintance and not a close friend, asking, “Um... hey man, did you uh... did you see my shaver someplace?”
Following Poole’s visit, Rosenthal admitted, “I believe he could not actually be seeking this apparatus if he didn’t, in fact, use it.” Poole declined to comment.
Floormates say the five-foot-two, 110-pound Poole has a habit of misplacing things. Among the lost items were a set of barbells, an 18- foot yacht, and the documentation of his trust fund, all of which he solicited from nearby rooms.
He is currently searching for a Philips Norelco Sleek 9, a model available only by special order from Norelco’s London distributor. “It is really, really important to me,” he muttered worriedly in the hallway, adding that he totally needs it really bad. Really.
Poole also wonders if, by any chance, you’ve seen his Magnums.