• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

So, that “totally hot” “girl” on bored@columbia.net has finally agreed to meet up for a late night quickie, but you’re all out of ideas. Where could you possibly have sex on this campus!? The whole Butler Stacks hook-up culture is as passé as The West End, so you’re looking for something a little more interesting. Fear not, for The Fed’s Guide to Hooking Up On Campus is here. Just find the one that best suits your personality, and remember: use protection!

For the premature ejaculator, the campus access elevator next to Dodge is the perfect place to give you an excuse other than, “Uhhhh...that doesn’t normally happen.” The one story ride allows for the quickest of quickies, without raising any suspicions of your lovin’ capabilities.

For the cunning linguist, Havemeyer Hall will allow you all of the sexy chemistry jokes you could ever imagine. Saying things like “if you’re a container, then I’m hydrogen gas, ‘cause, baby, I will fill you up!” will woo your lady even further than your smooth moves already have. No woman can resist comedy with a romantic edge. Additionally, the literarily inclined can always try to hook up in St. A’s. You’ll probably be too coked out to discern who your lucky partner is, but chances are, it will be the only “secret society” sex you’ll ever have.

For the exhibitionist who thinks that hooking up in the stacks is overdone, try kicking it up a notch. Skip the stacks and go straight for a crowded reading room. If you can’t get a hold on one of the few comfortable chairs, fear not: just grab an empty table and go at it. This is especially effective during finals study period. Your new lady will love the death threats being hurled your way by those library trolls who haven’t left all week. It’s all right, they’re just jealous, and they’re easily placated by Red Bull, so just bring a few along!

For the adventurous type, who likes a good round of Russian Roulette just as much as they like to bone, the bench outside of the Mathematics building is the best place to get your “THIS IS IT! I REGRET NOTHING!” freak on. The tree outside of Mathematics has been waiting to keel over for longer than any of us have been alive, but somehow, it just keeps on standing. Every time the wind blows, you’ll be reminded that this very well may be the last sex of your life, should the tree finally give up the ghost while you’re going at it underneath. Just be sure to wait for springtime for this one, or the stone bench underneath will be ass-numbingly cold.

For the slightly subversive heathen, try Earl Hall. The headquarters of most of Columbia’s religious groups is the perfect place to hook up while showcasing your “devil-may-care” attitude. Just make sure your new lady friend doesn’t have the Catholic guilt, or the next time she’ll drag your sorry ass to confession. And nothing kills the post-coital glow like talking to an old virgin.

The true revolutionaries on campus may be the only ones with the cojones to try this next one, as according to legend, it has never once occurred. Picture this: you bring her back to your single dorm room. Put on some low key music and hook up quietly, in an attempt not to disturb the people in the rooms next to you. I know this sounds crazy, but if you pull this off , you will be doing what no Columbia student has ever done before: you’ll be having respectful sex.

So, kids, take your pick and have a sexy Ivy League time. This campus is ripe with boning opportunities, and your parents are paying $50 grand a year for you to take advantage of them. Don’t forget to stop at Alice for all your love-making supplies!