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In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

Andres Vedova

What’s all of this rubbish I’ve heard about so called “journalistic integrity” nowadays? The century changes and everyone thinks that journalism does too? Poppycock! Balderdash! Feminism! In my newspapers I will print what ever I want whenever I want to! If I want there to be war between us and Mexico and that nancy-boy Roosevelt doesn’t want to fight those desert-addled savages, then by Jove I will make him want to fight them! It’s quite simple, really, the lower classes are a pack of idiots and they will believe whatever their newspaper tells them. For instance, if I were to tell the public in one of my newspapers that New Mexico were a state, those jackanapes would sew another star on our fair flag. I can persuade the public to believe anything. I could even convince those fools that all men are descended from monkeys if I were to print it in my newspapers! The trick is to put the information in a fancy kind of font. For instance, if I were to print an article saying “Women to Receive Vote” no red-blooded American patriot could possibly ever be fooled by such a ridiculous, treasonous notion. However, if I were to print that headline in a fancy font (“Women to Receive Vote”), why Thomas Jefferson himself would have agreed that women are entitled to all of the basic civil rights under the Constitution, which, of course, they are not.

I suppose that you might be wondering why the printed word holds such a sway over the 25% of the nation that can read. The reason is that newspapers have all of the information. As a result, the power of the newspaper is unimaginable and unrivaled; never will there be a day when newspaper readership will decline because of our intractable and eternal hold on all of the world’s information. I suppose there are a few “public libraries” here and there, but any institution that opens itself to the public can, by definition, only be filled with inferior information. That is why a private school, like fair Harvard, is full of well-educated, well-read, and successful men, because they understand that information is only for the informed. And that’s the way it should be! What does the public need with “real” or “credible” information anyway? How does the Russo-Japanese war affect the lower classes pursuit of cheap spirits, potatoes, and women of ill-repute? No one should take any umbrage then when me and the boys down at the newsroom take some license with the truth. My newspapers tell the people all that they need to know to get by in this hectic world. Why, just the other day we did an exposé on the dangers the Irish present to our fair nation. Sure, the truth is that the Irish pose no harm at all to Lady Liberty, but how are you going to make it on the streets of New York if you aren’t a little wary of those shamrock-eating baby-factories? To be afraid is to be aware, even if that fear is completely unfounded and baseless.

I think most people would agree with what I am saying, I certainly know that Jesus would. But, dear readers, there are some out there that question the noble truth of what I am humbly propounding. There are a lot of natural philosophers out there, so called “scientists,” that believe that pursuing the truth should be our societies’ ultimate goal. Hah! Do you believe that hogwash? Just look at the snake-oilists who are trying to sell this idea. Some kraut named Einstein and some Indian ass named Gandhi. I even had Missus Madame Curie, a she-scientist, tell me that I, William Randolph Hearst, was a fraud and a liar. This coming from a woman who is trying to prove the existence of some far-fetched element called “radium.” That poor, foolish girl; everyone knows that the only elements are earth, wind, fire, and water! Those Marxists don’t understand the real power of the mistruth; that it brings people together. When I declared war on those syphilis-carrying Spaniards, it wasn’t because they were a true, imminent threat, but because it rallied the nation behind the flag, on the side of Lady Liberty. We gave those dried-pork eating Quixotic bastards a thrashing they won’t soon forget! National unity is a rare thing and I should be thanked for creating it. Maybe some day someone will make one of those “movies” Edison keeps yammering about on me and my great accomplishments. I hope they get a good view of my grand house in it, too.

It should be plain and easy for all to see that the idea of journalistic integrity is not only bad for business, its bad for the nation! Sure, your typical weak-minded college girl at Radcliff, Pembroke, or Barnard might be seduced by this journalistic integrity wish-wash, but it will never seduce me! And it will never seduce Lady Liberty, either.