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In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

Michael Bredin

In the final stages of the examination for admission into the priesthood, examinees must take the dreaded “seeing the image of Jesus in the magic eye” test.

As OK! and US Weekly, currently preoccupied with various Spears family Mama Dramas, have discontinued all reporting on Jesus Image Sightings (henceforth referred to as JIS), we, the Investigative Reporting Team at The Fed, pledge to pick up the dropped baton. This past week alone has bore witness to JIS all over New York City, not to mention in small Mid-Western cities that no one cares about.

1. At 3:00AM on Sunday, March 8th, at the corner of 37th St. and 10th Ave., Homeless Man, Slim Joe "the Cat Wrangler" Douglas, spotted a glistening image of Our Lord and Savior shining out of the pool of urine recently expelled from his drunken, decaying body. Before he was arrested for public urination, these Fed reporters heard him extolling the virtues of his piss, saying, "My life now has meaning! I vow to drink everyday until I find Jesus once more."

2. At 11:00AM on Monday, March 10th, at the springtime residence of Madame Isabelle LaCroix, on 127th East 63rd St., her domestic assistant Marisol Jimenez reported finding a crack in the three-foot tall Waterford crystal vase in the distinct shape of Jésus Cristo. Upon spotting the shimmering deity, she exclaimed, "¡Ay chingada! ¡La señora va a matarme!"

3. At 9:00AM on Tuesday, March 11th, Josh Davis, Junior Analyst in the Sales and Trading division of McResnick & Dunn & Co., was closely watching the screen of his Bloomberg terminal when, amidst the changing numbers, he saw the distinct outline of Our Savior on the cross. When approached for further comment on his experience, Davis replied, "Have you seen the NASDAQ lately? I don't have time for this God bullshit. He can wait."

4. At 5:45AM on Wednesday, March 12th, upon returning to her pimp's crib at Beach 41st Street Houses in the Edgemere neighborhood of Queens, Dara Lane (can be hired at 718-555-5555 for $50 an hour, $15 an hour during an outbreak) found that she was itching. To her surprise, she had been scratching the beard on a perfect connect-the-dots of herpes sores forming the shape of Jesus. This revelation increased her business hours as the evangelicals lined up outside of her Edgemere residence to "see" the "face of God."

5. At 2:30PM on Thursday, March 13th, Jeff Dinato, while skipping school with his friends from Great Neck South, dumped out his bong water and was stoked to find Jesus in the sodden ash. After calling his friends over to see it, they all agreed that it "totally looks like Jesus, man." We await further confirmation as Dinato found the Virgin Mother in the Cheeto stains on his favorite T-shirt just last week, suggesting this may be a false alarm Christ.

6. At 11:20PM just last night, at the Carman Residence Hall at Columbia University near 114th St. and Broadway, first-year Jen Calloway was holding back the hair of her roommate (who wishes to remain anonymous) while she was vomiting in the Carman 8 Common Room. The two 6th Floor residents were shocked to see Jesus amidst the remains of a slice of Koronets and twelve cans of Natural Light. Calloway stated, "it was kind of beautiful, and I wanted to take a picture to F-B it, and you know... tag it as Jesus, and shit... but by the time I got back from calling CAVA, facilities had already cleaned it up."