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In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

Andres Vedova

Being a pop superstar in the 21st century is about much more than just the music; it's about having an empire. Jay-Z supplements his rap career with his Rocawear clothing line and Armadale Vodka company. P. Diddy counts Sean John and Bad Boy Records as the jewels in his empire's crown. Perhaps the most extreme example might be Jennifer Lopez, who in addition to being a "musician," acts, produces television shows, has her own clothing and fragrance line, and has even expanded into the restaurant business. These stars aren't artists, they're businessmen, and the top echelons of Lopez and Diddy have recently begun to undertake the final, inevitable step in the expansion of their growing empires: good old-fashioned colonialism.

The first act of colonialism by a pop star was orchestrated - not surprisingly - by Jennifer Lopez, who's imperial fleet of J.Lo brand war ships (they're made of velour and accentuate the behind) recently conquered her hometown of the Bronx. The move instantly prompted fears of a retaliatory strike by the United States. However, a diplomatic crisis was averted when the New York City council decided not to pursue reclaiming the Bronx, instead issuing a statement reading, "That's okay, J. Lo, you can have the Bronx. No give backs!"

In the wake of her successful Bronx campaign, Ms. Lopez has conquered the sovereign nations of Cuba, the Dominican Republic, and Panama in the past four months. "I'm going to civilize my new colonial citizens," Ms. Lopez said as she sat a top a sedan chair held up by a legion of newly enslaved Dominicans. "That means they are all getting big old hoop earrings, they'll wear pink track suits that say ‘Boriqua' on the ass, and, most importantly, under my rule, love will no longer cost a thing! Oh! And political dissidents will be met with swift and brutal force."

Not to be out done, many celebrities are jumping on to the colonialism bandwagon, which Source magazine recently dubbed this hot trend "Ne-Yo Colonialism." Sean "P. Diddy" Combs' imperial armies - staffed by former contestants from the four seasons of ‘Making the Band' - recently conquered the entire horn of Africa. Not surprisingly, once Combs had secured the horn, rather than creating a new national anthem for his protectorate, he took an existing national anthem - "O Canada" - and just added some bass and a Notorious B.I.G. solo to it.

The ever-entrepreneurial Paris Hilton has entered the fray by taking over much of the East Indies. Hilton's publicist/Vice Roy has released the following statement about Hilton's intended reign; "Under my rule, we will have a strict caste system; those that are hot, and those that are not. Those that are hot will be able to vote, own property, and breed. Those that are not hot will receive a copy of my new movie The Hottie and the Nottie in exchange for being sterilized. Now that's hot."

But, true to form, the greatest single act of "Ne-Yo Colonialism" is most definitely Oprah Winfrey's recent colonial annexation of the entire Indian subcontinent. "Who's ready to be Christianiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiized?!" Oprah shouted to an audience over one million people from the Taj Mahal. "I'm really excited to take on such a big challenge," Oprah eagerly told the crowd, "and there are going to be some big changes around here. First, from now on, ‘My Favorite Things'...will be enforced upon pain of death. Second, no Hindu gods. You will worship me, The Color Purple, my best girlfriend Gail, and...Herbal Essences Body Scruuuuuuuuub!" Then Winfrey continued, "but I have even more good news. Each person here is getting a car! You're getting a car! And you're getting a car! And you're getting a car! Nah, I'm just shitting you. Natives will no longer be allowed to own or receive property."

The inroads that celebrities are making into colonialism are not only huge and impressive, but undoubtedly long lasting. But it won't be so bad. As all 6th grade geography students will tell you, its hard to remember that Windhoek is the capital of Namibia. But once Namibia becomes "Namibia: a Spike Lee Joint," those students will never struggle with geography again.