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In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

Shaina Rubin

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK CITY- Columbia University officials issued a security alert after the recent surge in umbrella thefts on campus. The security announcement cautions all University affiliates that the so-called "umbrella snatchers" have no sense of remorse and are to be considered an extreme threat.

Columbia University President Lee Bollinger declared, in an emergency email to university students and staff, that the thefts were the "worst onslaught of illicit activity the institution has witnessed in its 254-year history." He added, "students who have grown used to protecting themselves with umbrellas from the deadly downpours, will have to find alternative methods to survive the New York winter."

"If there is a torrential downfall, do not go outside," Bollinger cautioned. "Wait in your bed or a comfy chair. If possible, use your cell phone and call your parents-tell them your last wishes."

"Unless, of course, water has entered your dorm room, in which case, exit immediately, being sure to use the stairs, and contact Columbia Safety," he added.

Meteorologists have stated that there has at least been an inch of rain in the past few months-enough water to fill a glass of water for every student on campus and more. Overall, the rains have devastated many Columbia students' hair and/ or pressed shirts.

This catastrophe seems to be hitting the preps, bros, and frat boys particularly hard. "Some people got their entire set of collared-shirts wrinkled," said Columbia University senior Jack Ryan, who personally experienced some wrinkling and spotting of much of his own prized clothing. "Their whole wardrobes are unwearable, and they're lost without them. All the $300 jeans and Lacoste polos... ruined."

Using modern technology, including Google and spy satellites, meteorologists have determined that this plummet of water forms when moisture is absorbed by clouds and the surrounding air condenses it into droplets which then fall to the ground. Either that or it's God crying. Fortunately, the umbrella can shield victims from nature's cruel, soggy design.

"One thing we know for sure is that ugly girls who wear lots of eyeliner to distract from their asymmetrical, trainwreck faces will suffer the most," said Dean Quigley. "Unless they have waterproof mascara, a blight of ugliness will undoubtedly occur."

The recent surge in umbrella snatching has led many students to protest Columbia's ineffective safety patrol by housing themselves in water-proof tents and fasting "indefinitely."

"Despite our efforts to apprehend these umbrella thieves, the administration cautions students against wearing pressed shirts, blow-dried hair, and/or non-waterproof mascara at all times. You never know when God will decide to piss on you," President Lee Bollinger concluded in his email. "This could be the worst and the best thing to happen to Columbia since the riots of 1968."