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In This Issue
- My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
- Jesus is Found
- Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
- Facial Hair Suspected
- The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
- Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
- The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
- Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
- Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
- Get Your Artistic Freak On
- A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
- Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
- Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
- "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
- Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
- Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
- Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
- THEY WATCH
- The Staff of 23.5
THEY WATCH
Oil prices going up, yeah. Global warming, check. Ozone layer disappearing, oh yeah, baby...feel those UV rays. Bird flu, it's a'comin. You forgot to get your shot, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, you did. I like to relax over Spring Break, but it's hard to relax when THEY keep throwing all this doomsday gloom at me. The Apocalypse is nigh, and I'm pissing away my last few days studying for a midterm. It's all part of THEIR game. And THEY always win. In the darkness after the last dusk, will THEY still be watching? You bet your ass THEY will.
1.) My palms are sweating blood, my heart pumps pure acid, my pulse is a ticking time bomb counting down the last fleeting moments before I crash into a coma of caffeine-withdrawal. I stay up all night trying to write a paper, but end up smashing the keyboard to bits with my pinky. I go to shake a TA's hand and I accidentally tear her in half. I try to drink a beer and suddenly I'm chewing glass. The pain is great, but I must endure. These study guides won't write themselves. Red Bull = THEY!
2.) Goddamn it, I paid for these chili-cheese-fried meat wads like everyone else in here! And I want some proper American Yellow Mustard to drown ‘em in! You can just take that "Honey" shit and shove it, you commie whore. I don't know who this "JJ" is, or what game he's playing; but I'm sick of opening these packets of so-called "mustard" and having them shit out this brown, Play Doh-flavored pus. Fight the regime! The Lack of Good Yellow Mustard in JJ's Place = THEY!