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In This Issue

• My Fireside Chat with El Presidente
• Jesus is Found
• Students Exported to China, Along with Most Jobs
• Facial Hair Suspected
• The Top Five Top Ten Lists of All Time
• Procrastinating Superhero Lets Gothamville Children Die Last Thursday
• The Fed's Slightly Outdated Guide to the 2008 Presidential Primaries
• Go Down Low, Lick Her Kent, and Fayherweather
• Journalistic Integrity is for Weak-Minded Women and Syphilis-Ridden Spaniards, Says William Randolph Hearst
• Get Your Artistic Freak On
• A Pictorial Representation of the Night of the Fed Bash
• Subway Seat Sacrifices: How to Prioritize?
• Still from “George Orwell’s 1984 (2008 Movie Adaptation)”
• "Female Sexuality" - A Research Report by Brian Greenberg, 6th Grade
• Ne-Yo Colonialism: A Foray into the Celebrity Psyche
• Crisis Hits Campus, Students Respond in Reasoned and Rational Manner, Fair and Balanced Dialogue Follows
• Three Millennia Later: Yo' Mama Jokes Still Fresh!
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.5

Sarah Levin

“Goddammit, this is not what I meant.”

Ever since Man evolved beyond the use of his superfluous sixth digit, he has been consumed by the awesome power of the number 10 and by the insatiable urge to make lists of 10, and then make TV specials about them. Indeed, The Top Ten List is nothing less than the lynchpin of civilization. Behold below some of Man’s finest moments.

5.) The Sumerian Artifacts

In the mid 19th century, a piece of papyrus was uncovered at an archeological site in Asia Minor, bearing the Sumerian characters denoting “6” and either the female genitalia or “no hope.” Nearly a century later, anthropologists discovered fragments of Numbers 1 and 8, making this artifact the earliest known instance of The Top Ten List.

10.) [lost]
9.) [lost]
8.) …unit of currency [or “tuft of eyebrow hair” cf. Wilkins, et al.]…
7.) [lost
6.) …“vagina” [or “chasm of endless dark and/or no hope”]…[lacuna]… “regeneration”…
5.) [lost]
4.) [lost]
3.) [Note: The Number 3 was not yet invented. Wilkins, et al made a compelling case that this automatically disqualifies the artifact as the Original Top Ten List. They subsequently were expelled from the scientific community by means of a cannon.]
2.) [lost]
1.) …“nail of small toe”…[lacuna]… “divinity”…

4.) Most Historically Significant Waffles of All Time

10.) The waffle Lee Harvey Oswald threw at JFK before resorting to his second choice weapon: a gun.
9.) The waffle on which the Declaration of Independence was first drafted.
8.) The waffle that Brutus stabbed Julius Caesar with.
7.) The waffle Virginia Woolf stuffed in her pocket before jumping in the River Ouse.
6.) The Cartesian Grid: the Waffle prototype.
5.) The waffle that killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand and ignited World War I. Historians suggest that it may have had strawberries on it.
4.) The waffle the 20th Hijacker was eating when he missed his plane.
3.) The Apple-Bacon-Sausage-‘N’ Cheese McWaffle. Body Count: Millions and Millions Served… to an early grave
2.) The Eggo. Convenience was never so scrumptious.
1.) The Belgian.

Compiled by Waffle Enthusiast Weekly, March 13, 2006

3.) Ten Things Adolf Hitler Wanted To Do After He Conquered The World

10.) Perfect his Bridge game.
9.) Cook with Jews.
8.) Build a statue of self in every city.
7.) Turn Russia into a theme park.
6.) Build a statue of self out of every city.
5.) Go on a Safari… hunting people.
4.) Build a statue of self on the Moon.
3.) Eat a live fetus every day just to show them who’s boss.
2.) Build a statue of self out of the Moon
1.) a.) Find true love and raise a family.
b.) Kiln them. Then build a statue of self out of them.

The Führer Within: Confessions of Adolf Hitler. On file at Butler 6th Floor Rare Books and Manuscripts Reserves.

2.) Most Thankless Jobs in the Movie Industry

10.) The midget who follows Tom Cruise around the set to make him feel taller, i.e. Suri Cruise.
9.) Sand wrangler in Lawrence of Arabia.
8.) Orphaned Guatemalan children who served as Chris Farley’s between take snacks on the set of Beverly Hills Ninja.
7.) Jesus’ stunt double from The Passion of the Christ.
6.) Stallion fluffer from The Lord of the Rings.
5.) Props Master for Two Girls One Cup.
4.) Countless extras who drowned and froze to death for the sake of realism in Titanic.
3.) The infant launched into Outer Space to play the Star Child from 2001: A Space Odyssey. He’s still up there; he’d be about 40 by now.
2.) James Cameron’s fluffer from Titanic.
1.) Rob Schneider.

Compiled by Variety, Dec 5, 2007.

1.) The Bill of Rights.

That’s right. Liberty comes in lists.