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In This Issue

• The Colombia Daily Spectador Front Page
• Spec: Cabinet Secretaries Disappointed With Their Careers
• Spec: Hugs for the Homeless Hopes To Be A Success
• Spec: Unrecommended Student Requests Letters of Recommendation
• Grilled Cheese Honored
• Elliot Spitzer = Sex Machine
• Here's a Fairy Tale That Cracks Us Up
• The Colombia Spec Op-Ed Section
• Spec Op-Ed: Juicy Campus is seriously the Best Thing Ev-ar!
• Spec Op-Ed: I Don't Care About Manhattanville
• Spec Op-Ed: Staff Editorial -- We Have Opinions
• Spec Op-Ed: Letters to the Editor
• They Watch
• The Staff of 23.6

Much beloved son neglects family, shuns affection, wishes his parents were dead, and isn't eating and sleeping enough

To the Editor:

10 p.m. is too late for Grandpa Ethan to stay up waiting for you, young man. And you know that! But I suppose you think the Spectador is more important
than spending time with your own family, so I just want to remind you that Grandpa Ethan loves you very much and that he will be dead very soon
and then you won't ever have to worry about him ever again! Okay? We couldn't wait for you, so your dinner's in the fridge.

And even though you think that your mother's responsible for all the misery in your life, I wanted you to know that I got the kosher hamburger meat that you like because I know how afraid you are of getting the Mad Cow. At least maybe I can do something right for you.

And I do hope you’re eating enough, dear. Last time I saw you, you looked a little thin. It’s okay to eat a little, you know. You don’t want to end up like your cousin Esther, wasting away in that clinic in South Orange, that poor thing. I always knew my sister Miriam wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I told her so myself. But I guess you’re not the only one who refuses to listen to your stupid, old mom.

Speaking of your poor, old, stupid mother and father, you know, it’s okay if you should pick up the phone every now and again and give us a call. Even if we did ruin your life.

Well, don’t worry. We’ll be dead soon, too. All of us. And then you’ll have your whole life to think about how terrible we were to you.

Aunt Miriam sends her best and asks if you got the homentashn she sent you for Purim. She made them herself, you know. Oh, that’s right. You don’t eat anything. Well, it wouldn’t kill you to send her a thank-you note anyway.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh! I left your laundry at the foot of your door. I know better than to walk in there after that time I caught you and Christina when you were fifteen. But don’t worry, dear, we’ve forgotten all about that, haven’t we?

I hope we’ll see you at Passover.

Ruth Bernstein, Brandeis ‘72
April 6, 2008

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Crisis of mortal consequence, dire plea for help, resolution appears improbable

To the Editor

Dude, have you seen the remote? Me and Dave have looked everywhere for it. I was using it last night when the guy on the couch knocked his disgusting fucking “water-pipe” on me. I freaked the fuck out (justifiably) and when I was done telling him what was up, the remote had, like, vanished, man.

We looked for forever, or, like, a while at least. We checked everywhere we could, dudes. That shit’s fucking gone, man. It’s like a miniature blackhole opened up in our living room. Like a little star imploded in the sofa and sucked shit down into it. Fuck, man. Wait! I heard some nerds at some fucking university were trying to make, like, a miniature blackhole. If they actually fucking did that shit and it ended up in my apartment, I’m gonna kill those motherfuckers.

Come on dude, help us out, I know you guys at Spec have, like, resources and shit.

Ben Tolking, CC ‘08
April 7, 2008

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It happens to the best of us

To the Editor:

Someone keeps stealing my copy of the Spectador. Every day. Can you make them stop?

Lee C. Bollinger, Law ‘71
April 7, 2008

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I didn’t want to do it this way

To the Editor:

Hi, it’s Angela. We met at the Spec party two months ago. You promised me a column, then stopped calling, remember? Well, anyway, I’ve been to Health Services. We need to talk.

Angela Murphy, BC ‘11
April 4, 2008

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How to Submit to Opinion: Spectador Opinion accepts submissions from diverse areas of interest, as long as they’re not interesting or original. Do you like horse sodomy, yes or no? Submissions may be crumpled up into a ball and thrown through our office window. For more information, come to our meetings. Please bring food. And women.