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In This Issue

• The Colombia Daily Spectador Front Page
• Spec: Cabinet Secretaries Disappointed With Their Careers
• Spec: Hugs for the Homeless Hopes To Be A Success
• Spec: Unrecommended Student Requests Letters of Recommendation
• Grilled Cheese Honored
• Elliot Spitzer = Sex Machine
• Here's a Fairy Tale That Cracks Us Up
• The Colombia Spec Op-Ed Section
• Spec Op-Ed: Juicy Campus is seriously the Best Thing Ev-ar!
• Spec Op-Ed: I Don't Care About Manhattanville
• Spec Op-Ed: Staff Editorial -- We Have Opinions
• Spec Op-Ed: Letters to the Editor
• They Watch
• The Staff of 23.6

Sarah Levin

Gather ‘round, boys and girls, for the 34th installment of The Fed's “Fairy Tales for People with Substance Abuse Problems”. Tonight, we present to you the magical story of an enchanted girl named Sinder-ella. Wait, but don't we mean Cinderella? No, this is the story of Sinderella, a 21st century adaptation of the beloved fairy tale. Only in this version, Cinderella is a meth addict. Can you all see the picture book? Good, then let's begin.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl named Sinderella. She lived with her father in the faraway kingdom of West Virginia. Sinder-ella's father owned an enchanted meth lab in the barn behind their house, but still, all was not well in Sinder-ella's life.

Sinder-ella's mother had recently passed away when she mistook a thirty-pound bag of road salts for crack rocks and smoked the whole thing. While Sinder-ella was proud that her mother had the most blackice resistant corpse in the whole county, she was in desperate need of a mother. Her father was equally in need of a wife and, to Sinderella's dismay, he soon married a haughty and cruel woman. The evil Stepmother was ever so mean to Sinder-ella. She made Sinder-ella do all of the housework - from putting out the meth lab fires to shooting at the D.E.A. agents - and let her own daughters just sit around and smoke all of the family's meth. At midnight, when Sinder-ella would finally finish her chores, there were rarely more than a few crumbs of meth left for her to smoke.

One day, the Prince of Meth invited all the maidens of the land to a ball so that he could find his one true biatch. Sinder-ella's evil stepsisters both got invitations, but Sinder-ella got none. As the two girls dressed up in their finest - jeans with burn holes and blood covered, prison issue sweatshirts - they taunted Sinder-ella, saying that the Prince of meth would never like her. “She has almost all of her teeth!” one squealed in disgust. “She doesn't even have any open wounds on her body!” the other cackled. Once her stepsisters left for the ball, Sinder-ella ran out to the meth lab and cried. But then a marvelous thing happened! She heard three words in a sweet, throaty voice emanating from a dank corner: “Don't cry, child.” Sinderella looked up and saw the most beautiful woman in the whole world; she was an old black lady wearing a shower curtain and combat boots. She had the longest, dirtiest dreads and something was dripping from in between her legs. “Sinder-ella, I'm yo Fairy Godmother!” she screamed and then twitched a little, adding, “I'm also Jesus Christ! I'm get you to the ball in style!” Then Sinder-ella's Fairy Godmother took out her magic crack pipe and turned the bathtub full of ammonia into a carriage, a hundred empty Sudafed boxes into a beautiful gown, and, most importantly, she turned Sinder-ella's socks into 6- inch clear plastic stripper heels. “And as a special treat, the heel on each shoe is a crack pipe,” the Fairy Godmother belched. However, the Fairy Godmother added this warning; “You gotta get back before midnight or my magic will wear off . The Navy is controlling the sun!” At that, Sinder-ella was whisked away to the ball.

At the ball, everyone was entranced by the beautiful Sinder-ella, not least of all, the Prince of Meth. Out of all the girls in that bombed-out warehouse near the railroad tracks, surely Sinder-ella was the most doable. At 11:59, the Prince pulled Sinder-ella into an alley and told her, “You a hot biatch, lets smoke some rocks!” “Allow me,” Sinder-ella replied as she took off her stripper shoes and packed one of the heels with meth. She handed her shoe to the Prince but suddenly bells chimed it became midnight. Sinder-ella, ran away as fast as she could, leaving one clear plastic stripper heel behind. The next day, the Prince went on a quest to find the girl whose foot would fit the stripper heel, trying nearly every girl in the land and some of the trannies too. The last house the Prince stopped at was Sinder-ella's. Sinder-ella's evil stepsisters tried the shoe on but it didn't fit. Suddenly, Sinder-ella filled the room with her presence, after somehow freeing herself from the jukebox where the family had locked her. The Prince stared in wonder at the luscious girl with the blood crusted under her nose and begged her to try on the slipper. The slipper slipped on like a glove and the Prince instantly knew it was Sinder-ella he had met at the ball. “It's you,” the Prince said as he looked into Sinder-ella's eyes. Then the Prince punched Sinder-ella in the head and screamed, “Don't you run away from me like that ever again, you bitch!” The Prince then turned to Sinder-ella's father and said “I'm taking her with me.” The Prince then pulled out his gun and said “and give me whatever cash you got, too.” Sinder-ella got into the Prince's hooptie and drove off into the sunset. And they lived happily ever after.