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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

In 2004, poker burst on to the national scene as the hip new American past time, intoxicated by the competition and the thrill of winning associated with the game. In a matter of a few months, poker went from seedy, back room activity to a nationally televised phenomenon with poker-related programs including Poker After Dark on NBC, The World Series of Poker on ESPN, and Celebrity Poker on Bravo.

But a lot has happened in the past four years-Britney Spears had a baby, the Democrats took Congress again, Britney Spears had another baby, Dumbledore came out of the closet-and poker no longer captivates the nation's attention the way it used to. Fortunately, a new fad is brewing; the next great American past time is...Beer Pong.

Beer Pong-known in other forms as Beirut, Fraternity Tennis, or the game that Liberal Arts students think they are too indie to play-is a staple activity among many college- age Americans. And why not? Who doesn't love playing Beer Pong? It combines all the health benefits of drinking massive amounts of beer with all the physical activity of throwing a small plastic ball into a cup.

And who doesn't love watching people play Beer Pong? People drunk on beer are notoriously charming, coherent, and good at driving. And if cats enjoy watching a small ball go back and forth, then it's probably good for humans as well.

It is not surprising in the wake of the writers strike, then, that NBC has just announced a new addition to its all-reality spring line-up: Celebrity Beer Pong.

Celebrity Beer Pong pits legendary celebrity drunks against each other to determine the age-old and deeply significant question of which celebrity has the best hand eye coordination when extremely intoxicated. NBC executives have recently released a list of matches that will soon no doubt capture the nation's imagination.

David Hasselhoff vs. Jamie Lynn Spears

While Hasselhoff honed his Beer Pong technique in the beer gardens of Germany in which he is worshipped as a demi-god, Spears is a fresh faced, fast-rising challenger who is proving to be a formidable opponent. "I love Beer Pong" Spears drawled in a pregame interview "but I'm pregnant so I gotta play with light beer. I don't want my baby to come out all fat and junk!" Insiders speculate that this match will ultimately be decided not by ball-throwing skill, but by who can handle their alcohol better: a washed up matinee idol or a pregnant 16- year-old. Advantage: Hasselhoff

Oscar-Winning Actor Peter O'Toole vs. Amy Winehouse

In this Brit-on-Brit show down, two epic drunks - both legends in their own respective times - square off to see if the British can drunkenly play a game that doesn't involve wickets, trained horses, or subjugating a foreign population. When he was asked to participate in the event, O'Toole apparently became very nostalgic and replied, "I remember the first game of Beer Pong I ever played with Katherine Hepburn. While I used my arm to throw the ping pong ball at the cup, good old Kate launched it out of her vagina with one grand kegel." When Amy Winehouse was asked to participate, she apparently stabbed NBC president Jeff Zucker with Liam Gallagher's crack pipe. Advantage: O'Toole, but the 75-year old actor is more likely to live long enough to see the February taping than Winehouse is.

Neo-Conservative writer and legendary drunk Christopher Hitchens vs. Tara Reid

Hitchens is famous is literary circles for being a modern day Faulkner, not because of his writing, but because of his Faulknerian ability to maintain a constant 0.60 blood alcohol level and live. Reid, on the other hand, is a professional drunken skank. While neither is particularly athletic, the amount of beer it would take to adversely affect their Pong abilities would send even a young George W. Bush to the hospital. The whole match, however, may be in jeopardy as Reid is reportedly considering having her arms amputated in order to reach the target weight of 85 pounds. Advantage: The company supplying beer to the event.