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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

Andres Vedova

Michael Bredin, Fed Publisher Emeritus

Bajaysus! It's May already, and it looks like I'm gonna be a'graduating in a couple of weeks.... Besides the uncertainty, major life questions, bridges that will, sadly, soon be burnt and all that shiznit, leaving Columbia means leaving behind some major commitments. Traditionally, outgoing Fed seniors would take this time to extend a hearty, and unedited "Fuck You" in their goodbye articles, or go on an incoherent "OMGZ-Fedwz- likesoo-awesome-LOLZ" ramble, and dabbling into the odd moment of (unedited) existential bullshit to boot. Either way, the reader surely suffers.

But, for me, mulling over the last four years at Columbia University takes a particularly interesting and self-indulgent spin, in that for a while it seemed like I was not going to go to Columbia at all. For a while, it seemed like I was going to stay in the U.K. and, without going into too many details, would probably have ended up at Imperial College, London. A couple weeks from commencement, it's probably a little late to reverse that decision, but it begs the question to be answered: Should I have crossed the pond to begin with? On a base level, certainly, the experience would have been very different.

For a start, in the U.K. you don't have to wait until you're 21 to drink. For me, that was the real bummer at the beginning, and the social dynamic of any University is going to change radically because of it. Basically imagine if Lerner Hall had a couple nightclubs, picture bars in the basements of Carman, John Jay, and other dorms, stocked with subsidized alcohol, and students finding a more social use to alcohol consumption than just pure binging. That's really not much of an exaggeration...and I think that, with the admission that the British Isles do have a slight binge epidemic, on the whole American students are the worse off for it. Although there's definitely more to college than drinking, one reason I think we could be better off with more booze flowing in Morningside is that (and this will certainly be less disputed) Columbia is somewhat lacking in social life.

Hallways of locked doors in residence halls, sports games that nobody goes to, a large number of campus events poorly attended...I've met many people that have been dissatisfied with the school, and even administrators admit, "It can be a tough place." If alcohol, that great social lubricant, were introduced into the mix, I'm sure we would lube together just fine...or just faster. Of course, here at Columbia, our neighborhood social life has to compete with that of the city... inevitable in any metropolitan area.

However, during these four years, I found that there was one element to college life which would, for the most part, bring students together just fine-the extracurricular scene. Joining The Fed not only let me rip off iconic imagery, write fake interviews with politicians, and probably draw far too many monkeys, but also gave me a solid group of friends that I've stuck with over my years at the paper. Returning to my tearful, soul-searching musings, if I had spent the last few years at a British university, this resource probably wouldn't have been as possible. In contrast to America's privatized Ivy League glamour, British universities, which are all state funded, are considerably poorer. When I think of the money that is thrown at all of these student groups at Columbia, not to mention at events run by the student councils, frankly, it makes me a little sick. The newspapers and magazines that go undistributed, the excess free food and t-shirts, beer at Lerner pub this year which was flushed down the drain, the incredible lengths and expenditures the Senior Fund has gone to in order to get that 100% figure (which purely has US World News Report standings in mind)... the waste that takes place can be simply astonishing.

Which brings me to the next paradox. Space for student groups and activities is simply not adequate at this University. Despite a third of a million dollars being thrown at us annually, in order to make our campus life more dynamic, only a measly portion of a single floor in Lerner has been solely reserved for student groups. Elsewhere in our alleged "student center" student groups must fight with departmental events, outside corporations, and even professors' children's Bar-Mitzvahs for space requests.

Do not, for a second, think that I am not grateful. Being allowed to attend Columbia was an astonishing privilege-and I wholeheartedly believe that anyone at this school who isn't aware of this deep down was probably raised a spoilt fucking brat. However, it is simply frustrating to see an undergraduate population with such a diverse range of interests, opinions, and traditions not being given the resources they could be given to thrive even further. As one of the few student groups who actually have an office in Lerner, I can tell you that The Fed's group dynamic has benefited immeasurably from having space. We may get a considerably smaller budget than other publications with similar circulations, but I'll guarantee you that The Fed staff would take an office over a larger budget any day.

The liberation of the formerly empty Lerner Six offers hope, and the fact it has taken almost ten years is a testament to the inefficiencies of the powers-that-be. However, I hope you will not fault me for being suspicious at the vague promises, or rather, at this point, suggestions, that the moving of advisers out of the residence halls up to Lerner 6 will, by extension, free up more space for student groups. Whatever happens in the following years, the student councils and SDA advisers must realize that granting facilities to student groups, especially space that is solely for student groups, will greatly benefit them, and, by doing so, enhance a student life that many will agree lacks socially.

So back to the question you're all begging me to delve into further: Should I have crossed the pond to begin with? Well, because of the diverse academic curriculum and opportunities given, the resources of a world capital, and, most importantly, the amazing people I met, my answer is a wholehearted yes. Going to Columbia for four years was, on the whole, a pretty incredible experience, but that is not to say there aren't things that could be done better on this campus. Throwing yet more free food and paraphernalia in the way of students, courtesy of a monster budget, can't really change student life in the long term. Giving them facilities to improve it on their own terms will.