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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

[The Fed apologizes for its return to the scatological, and regrets breaking our week-long vow. Yet, in the interest of journalistic scrupulousness, we must break such pressing news. -Ed.]

 

SPEAKERS:

Representative Bernhard Fruehauf of Germany, SEAS ‘10

Representative Masumi Sugimura of Japan, BC ‘08

Lee C. Bollinger, President of Columbia University

BOLLINGER: Good evening from Columbia University in New York City. I welcome you to the first of the 2008 Model United Nations Debates between some of the world's greatest nations and Canada. This week, there will be a series of debates on such pressing global topics as Darfur and Dirty Talk, the Handjob and Developing Nations, and global warming. Tonight, however, the debate will focus on the hot topic of anal penetration.

The umbrella topic is penis in rectum, but the specific subjects were chosen by me, the questions were composed by me, the candidates have not been told what they are, nor has anyone else.

The audience may now join me in welcoming Mr. Fruehauf and Ms. Sugimura.

(APPLAUSE)

BOLLINGER: Good evening, Mr. Fruehauf, Ms. Sugimura.

In nations throughout the world, rear entry has for many decades remained under the radar. While some practiced anal sex, back door politics were not considered polite dinner conversation. As we approach a new age of more enlightened learning, it has come to the attention of the University community that such an important orifice deserves some scholarly debate.

As determined by a coin toss, the first question goes to you, Ms. Sugimura.

Mr. Fruehauf has often been heard on Thursdays at 1020 espousing his desire for a committed relationship with a woman who will give him back entrance clearance. Do you think such allowance is necessary for a functional relationship?

SUGIMURA: No, I do not. This actually puts the future of your relationship in jeopardy. Do you really want someone who gave you a free pass on the Hershey Highway to be the mother of your children? Do you want sons and daughters who will inherit such loose morals and loose anal sphincters?

FRUEHAUF: If you truly love someone, you should be able to share all orifices. To keep your sweet asian ass to yourself just makes you a cold, unloving bitch. Your ex-boyfriend agrees.

BOLLINGER: Mr. Fruehauf, the next question goes to you. It has been argued that making a female bend over and abstain from eye contact is demeaning to their gender and a simple show of male chauvinist dominance. Do you also find anal sex degrading to women?

FRUEHAUF: Absolutely not. Crack cramming is pretty much the Luna Bar of sex acts. It is best for women, but does not, as rumored, make men grow vaginas. Ladies in this day and age just want to avoid getting knocked up before they are married, and guess what has a lower rate of pregnancy than using the pill? That's right my friends, ass sex. So put that in your tampon and smoke it.

SUGIMURA: I have no comment.

BOLLINGER: Ms. Sugimura, you have in the past expressed general disgust for the act in question. What is your reasoning?

SUGIMURA: I not only find such actions disgusting and demeaning for the female involved, but especially for the man. This is not a male vs. female issue. I mean, POO DICK. Need I say more? Additionally, the female in question may never want to perform oral sex on said dick ever again. Is that a risk that many men are willing to take?

FRUEHAUF: I object. Your dick only gets slightly pooey! ...and some people are into that.

BOLLINGER: If any man is willing to give up all future blowjobs for this sausage stuffing, then what are the advantages?

FRUEHAUF: To be frank, Prezbo, these college girls don't feel like they used to. With anal however, you close your eyes and even a Barnard senior feels 16 again or like a member of the men's swim team...

SUGIMURA: What was that?

FRUEHAUF: Nothing! I love women. Yum yum boobies. Wanna make out?

SUGIMURA and BOLLINGER: No.

BOLLINGER: I am afraid that we are just about out of time. Ms. Sugimura, your closing statements please.

SUGIMURA: Anal sex is not only gross, but wrong. It says it in the Bible, it says it in the Torah, it says it in the Qu'ran, it even says it on Wikipedia. Society as a whole obviously agrees with me. Anal sex absolutely requires lube, and in order to buy lube, you have to ask the 15- year-old cashier at Duane Reade to get it from behind the counter. This means society equates anal sex with the terrible habit of smoking, and who are we to argue with society? I rest my case.

FRUEHAUF: Anal sex not only feels awesome, but makes you awesome as a person as well. There is no more surefire way to make it into your fraternity of choice than getting some hot freshman to let you in the V.I.P. entrance. I only ask you, the Columbia community, not to judge without trying for yourselves. Believe me, it is well worth the trek to the Barnard dorms.