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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

Henry Mortensen

The Jamaican government has officially unveiled a new space program, singling out The Fed to report the story in the US because of our "previous publication history." While The Fed has no substantial history of reporting on space travel, we are nonetheless honored.

The new Jamaican space program, entitled The Greater Association of Aeronautics of the Nation of Jamaica, or GAANJ, is considered to be the most ambitious project the small Caribbean island has ever undertaken. Jamaica is aided in its scientific endeavors by funding and supervising experts from the Netherlands. A few scientists from California and British Columbia are also involved in the process, reportedly for "medical reasons only".

The primary focus of the project is locating and exploring a third, as yet unacknowledged, side of the Moon, which Jamaican scientists call the "Dub" Side of the Moon. According to GAANJ Director of Communications Marie Jeanne, the project offers "opportunities for greater ‘overstanding' of ourselves and of our universe." Jeanne also warned of potential dangers of the proposed mission; according to verified research, The Dub Side can be very unpredictable. The astronauts are expected to have a very enjoyable and relaxing experience, but the area's strange and unfamiliar qualities may also develop within them a considerable degree of paranoia and anxiety.

Naysayers have thus been quick to voice their disapproval, to which Jeanne has responded, "Nah, nah, this is totally a good idea."

Liftoff is scheduled for April, 2010, contingent on weather and any lasting commitment. The crew for the expedition consists of three Jamaicans and one Dutchman. The Dutch member, Hans Mijde-Schpliff is recognized as Amsterdam's top expert on "rolling the doob". According to our sources, "doob" is the Dutch term for dub, and rolling refers to the difficult task of navigating the disorienting Dub Side. The Jamaican members include a medical officer, Pete Test, a cook, Tom De Monchisse, and the co-pilot, John Dui.

The specially constructed spacecraft, with its unique colors and unorthodox design, is nearly complete. According to publicized blueprints, the volume consists almost entirely of cockpit and food-storage area. The crewmembers will all be seated in a circle around a central console to which they are attached via a breathing mask. The most peculiar aspect of the ship is that the rocket exhaust is actually directed into the cockpit. It shoots a flame downwards into a large Pyrex bowl containing the rocket fuel - used in a more solid, lumpy form than is standard - the exhaust of which feeds into a tank of water and is eventually connected to the astronauts' breathing masks. This process requires that the crew inhale with slightly more force than they would with the corresponding apparatus on other spacecraft, but Jeanne assures skeptics that the craft still "can take us places previously unimaginable." As of press time, The Fed has not deciphered how any propulsion is generated by the system.