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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

Stephanie Quan, Fed Secretary Emerita

1. Its dark out. You've just left your recitation. As you hurry back to your dorm, you sense someone behind you. They follow you for a bit. Suddenly, you hear whispered into your ear, "Do you want to come to Bible study?" You think of funny tasting punch, Nike sneakers, and the distance between you and your dorm.... and then stammer: "I'm jewish." If you've: run away, faked a different religion, or have nearly gotten a papercut in the eye from a flyer, join this group.

Thus began my fourth Facebook group. The first being Family Guy (Columbia Chapter), the second: JJ11 (04-05), the third: Ex-Lincoln Douglas Debaters. Each group was exponentially less popular (the debate group doesn't even exist any more) and "I don't want to join your damn Bible study" was no exception. This, I feel, sums up my feelings about Columbia.

Later, once Facebook made global groups, I began to feel better. My subsequent group-"All I ever needed to know, I learned at Breakwater"-is growing. As is my self esteem. Thank you, friendly Facebook group joiners outside of Columbia for joining my 30+ groups and making me feel like I have friends.

2. I'm not very smart. I don't mean this in an "Oh, I'm so not smart. I get like A's on my papers all the time. But you, like, don't understand! EVERYONE in that class is getting an A or A+" sort of way. What I mean is, my major GPA is nearly a point lower than my Core GPA. But recently, when I went a science conference, I got a chance to look around at other kids' research projects. One kid did one reaction. The entire semester. My 37+ reactions suddenly looked like a thesis. Thank you, Columbia Science, for making me a god among small nerdy men.

3. How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb. Part of the title of a movie I watched at Columbia, and my new life motto. Thanks Columbia for introducing me to what would have been "weird" movies in my hometown-the kind you have to drive 15 miles to find. Thanks to Columbia's kind of cultural exposure, I now feel worldlier and have developed a tolerance for hipsters...and even learned to love them. Now this June, when my high school class's first reunion comes along, I can confidently talk about parties at the Met, and my Mongols class, and, in New York fashion, wittily disdain all of their interests/ majors. Oh you've never been to a warehouse party in Brooklyn? Well, I guess they are soooo two years ago. X neighborhood in Queens is so hot now.

4. I woke up one morning to find 300 black belts practicing on Low Plaza. It didn't faze me. I found the lawn covered in pinwheels. Not a blink. I've had homeless men clothed only in plastic bags harass me down 114th. Nothing. I've seen shootings, whippings, impromptu bluegrass concerts, all sorts of drug use on the steps, hawks eating squirrels, the mess after Holi, the most beautiful views from the EC roof, and some of the craziest themed Elvis Costello shirtless dance parties. But sleeping in Pennsylvania without a single sound at night? That kept me up for days.