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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

Now that the harsh Nor'easters are supposedly past, we've been brought a new seasonal present: hello runny noses, itchy, blotchy, red puff y eyes, and hazy Benadryl-addled days. Let's leave the "trend" of busting your ass on John Jay trays and bouncing down not-quite-snowy-enough Low Library steps and embrace the ragweed blowing in our faces. Hello springtime!

These days we're catching glimpses of ourselves as we leave the bathroom on the way to class and think "Hello sexy, it's been a while, all that down feather Michelin puff never did suit you...." Now that we're ready to roll around in the green grass and pretend we're in sunny Claritin commercials, we were thinking we might need to do some spring cleaning on, well, everything. Here's a to-do list Mother Nature seemed to have left for us a long time ago. Let's get on it and make Momma happy: "Green Initiatives" to make Columbia a little bit "Greener."

1. Let's try walking to the bathroom rather than driving. Come on, people. This is Manhattan. There's a Starbucks on every corner. Just do what other New Yorkers do and use it as one giant public restroom chain.

2. Let's try and save energy by taking the stairs up to the gym instead of the elevator or escalator. After all, what are you paying that personal trainer for if you're not learning anything about keeping those glutes in shape?

3. While you're on the throne, limit your TP use- ain't no tree grows fast enough to make up for using 50 sheets on a tiny tinkle. And remember that the recycled cotton undies are very economical...

4. Save water? I mean, do you always have to flush? Go beyond the "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" and make further specifications, such as: "If it's brown and at least 3 inches long, flush it down."

5. Now for that greedy car of yours... If you must drive, then you had better make your own fuel to do so. We know you're not using every part of that cannabis plant, or that your gardener was planning on tossing all those dandelions away. Sure, plant-derived gas may be an unbelievably inefficient fuel source, as driving one mile required an input of 8 million dandelions (Fun Fact: enough to reach to the Moon and back!), but they are free and clean-burning. Also your car will smell like a commune, but it's worth it, right? We do not take responsibility for the large number of hippie hop-ons that will result from this suggestion.

6. Invest in a good pair of reading glasses, or a microscope -It has been proven that printing any and all written assignments and Word documents in 4 font saves you energy, ink, paper, and money (what a thought!) (In the event that your Professors complain, hand them a magnifying glass and send them to us.)

7. Personally Recycle Everything! If your roommate didn't use half of that tissue to blow his nose, use the rest, We recommend you try the same with gum, condoms, and sanitary napkins.

8. Recycle your water! Although urine therapy has had no actual scientific backing, some people seem to like it!

[Don't wash your clothes! They don't do their job any better if they aren't covered in cheez-whiz. And all that stuff they say about social consequences? Pig Pen still had friends!]