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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

To the Editor:

We happy to announcing that you shall be of our Lucky winners of £891,934.00 in this month's edition of the UK National Lottery. To claim your prize contact officeruklottery@yahoo.de at Mr. Brain Johnson.

Send Him Your Name, Address, Country, Telephone, Sex.

Thanks and once again congratulation.

 

Dear Mr. Brain Johnson,

On behalf of The Fed, I thank you sincerely for the great prize you have chosen to bequeath on our humble little college rag. But I think we need to get a few things straight. The Fed (also known as The Federalist Paper) was founded to uphold the principles of the original Federalists-John Jay and Alexander Hamilton and other less important people not committed to statue form-our great Nation's founding fathers.

Perhaps you've heard of a little thing called the Boston Tea Party. We chucked millions upon millions of pounds of your dirty English tea into the harbor way back then, and we're pretty sure if Jay and Hamilton were around, they'd want us to do likewise to your dirty, dirty English pounds. American recession be damned!

If you dare ship us our winnings we will have no qualms whatsoever with doing unspeakable things to the image of your Queen's precious face-891,934 times over!

Do you think that we will not? You underestimate my patriotic resolve, sir. Do not tempt my Federalist wrath.

Graciously,

Sam Reisman
Feditor-in-Chief

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Dear ‘The Fed':

First off, please re-institute Letters to the Editor. The people deserve a voice.

Second, I was looking at the pictures on your website tonight. Only one had me in it, and it was blurry and out of focus, so that it may not have been me but, in fact, Mike Ilardi, Kate Sullivan, Katie Herman, or Perrie Briskin [Ed.: All old people no one remembers or cares about anymore]. At one time we all had the same haircut and that was pretty funny. You should make your staff try that. Maybe it will make them funny.

The only point in this paragraph is that whoever was in the photo was at least wearing my shirt. Because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to tell.

To make a long story short, if there were more photos of me on your website I could hit on weird girls I barely know through G-Chat more effectively. This is in addition to the instant boost in morale you would see on your staff when those girls visit the website and then write letters complaining that your articles are anti-feminist hate rants and, worse yet, not well edited. I know you take pride in your editing at ‘The Fed;' therefore, you will procure more pictures of me immediately and then post them on the website, preferably in the space currently occupied by your ‘cover graphic.'

To quote the great Afro-American philosopher and poet Charles Barkley, "Anything less would be uncivilized."

Doffing my pith helmet Good Day,

Bill McLaughlin
Fed Publisher (2004-2006)

 

Dear Mr. William McLaughlin,

The Feditors have been talking about reinstituting "Letters." If we do, you had better write angry letters about how our paper has:

1. Too many insensitive jokes about Jesus

2. Not enough insensitive jokes about Jesus

3. Too many references to the female Genitalia

4. Or, a great dearth of vaginal content.

We miss your laugh, but most of all we miss your chasing us around the office with a rifle, a half-empty bottle of Jack, and your shirt off. That memory still brings a joyous tear to my eye.

We don't do enough of those sorts of things anymore, methinks. The Fed hopes to have a social revolution in the coming semester.

Respectfully yours,

Alex Aaronson
Head Submissions Editor, Fed Mom in training, and other titles as well

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To the Editor:

I dun seen the new Fed on my online browser. I am very proud, but I still think you could do much to make it less dirty and more accessible for an old man.

All the best,

Harvey Reisman

 

Hi Grandpa,

Thanks. I'm working on it.

Sam

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Dear Fed,

I just stumbled upon the Fed through Google, where oddly enough I was Googling Capt. Planet and the Planeteers, it was for research, I swear. Your articles are gold as well as the writers who produce such witty and entertainingly sarcastic views. I'd love to stroke your ego more, but there's a girl next to me, chowing down on Cheetos as loudly as she can, and she's sitting in the same room as me in the library and I'm pretty sure I can hear her thighs growing, as you know those things go straight to the hips!!

Feel free to reprint my letter however you'd like...shoot, you can even put it next to a giant picture of Carmen Electra if you'd like, since that's what everyone here in Ohio looks like.

Pam Ballmann

 

Dear Ms. Ballman,

Thank you for the kind words. We get lots of e-mails, and few of them are very interesting (most of them tell us that we may have already won a million dollars, but it's so seldom true).

I do indeed know how those Cheetos go straight to the hips-and other places. Sometimes I wonder why I don't simply tape the bag right to my ass instead of eating it. But then, my will is weak, and my pants expansive. Our library is also filled with the most interesting sounds (squelching, moaning, pages turning, and the like)-if you know where to look for them-so I completely sympathize with your situation.

Best,

Sam Reisman
Feditor-in-Chief

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Feeling lonely? Or pissed off? Do you just need someone to listen? We understand. Talk to us: thefed@columbia.edu