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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

Here we go round the prickly pear prickly pear prickly pear. Here we go round the prickly pear at five o'clock in the morning. Five o'clock in the morning? Fuck me, this paper's due in four hours... too bad no one's updated their Facebook since midnight, maybe if I just refresh the News Feed one more time...Fucking Internet, Fucking StumbleUpon, Fuck my ADD, Fuck that...ooh!.. Allyson from sixth-grade home room just invited me to a yard sale in Wyoming this Friday! I'm "Maybe Attending," don't wanna seem desperate. But let's set aside the senseless late-night procrastination and random YouTubing for a moment to play a little game I like to call THEY WATCH.

I. The Big Bang is all well and good. Granted, it's responsible for all the misery and pain and suffering in the whole of human history- but whatever. I like to think of it as a one-time kinda thing, like that girl that put me in the hospital that time. I also like to think that we all have enough shit to worry about these days without the Universe suddenly blinking out of existence (though that is a cheerful idea some times). My Doomsday fixation this week: The Large Hadron Collider. Even their official website makes no fuss about it: "We're gonna slam particles together at 99.999% the speed of light! Won't that be fun?" The Large Hadron Collider=THEY!

II. I ate a hamburger in Oxford when I was 14...and now that Mad Cow is coming back to bite me in the ass. My brain has more holes than the plot of Ghost Rider, but my wrath is fierce and undiminished for the bastards that did this to me. The British=THEY!