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In This Issue

• A Sneak Peek at Barnard’s New Vag
• Teacher's Pet Joins Elite Rank of CC Assignments
• Take a Ride on a Fiction Plane with Rachel Katz
• The Letters to the Feditor Strike Back
• What What (In The Butt): A Debate For The Ages
• Celebrity Beer Pong New To Network TV
• The Room-mate Chronicles
• C.J. Parker vs. Wolverine: Dispatches from the White House Correspondents Dinner 2008
• Columbia and the Perception of Self: A List of Stuff
• If I Were Graduating, I Would Be Thanking the Following People Whom I've Never Met
• Graduate Reflects: “Da faaaackkk???”
• A Message from the Next Chief Judge of the D.C. Circuit
• Don’t Forget to Bring a Towel, Experts Warn
• Therapist’s ADD Cured By Hourly Wage
• A Red Letter Day For the Green-Thumbed
• A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 23.7

The Entire Student Population Regresses to Middle School-Age Sense of Humor, Which Is Totally Cool.

Recently, Barnard informed students, faculty, and alumnae that our new student center will named after the building's largest contributor: the Vagelos family-owners of The Vagelos Shaving Cream Company, Vagelos Frozen Fish Sticks, and most recently VagWeb, a photo sharing website. To reflect the business interests of the Vagelos Empire more accurately, Barnard has decided to alter its plans for the new Nexus, or as I like to call it, the "Vag".

"Since the Vagelos family has been so generous," said Dean Dorothy Denburg, "we intend to serve and advertise Vagelos brand fish at every meal. We even hope to have a Vagelos fish taco bar! Won't that be delicious!" I agreed. We both laughed and laughed. Then I had to ask her about our most favorite topic, CHOCOLATE! "So DoDen, what are your plans to satisfy our favorite monthly cravings?" I asked. "For what? CHOCOLATE?" She asked back. I couldn't ask any further questions, as upon completing that sentence, she ran to the basement vending machines and broke the glass open with her face. She had to be taken to the emergency room, yelling, "I REGRET NOTHING!" as she was helped into a CAVA ambulance.

The school intends to make the Vag as spacious and multi-functional as possible. We've been told that the top secret-super-awesome plans call for small oval-shaped lounges at the end of long, curving spacious hallways and staircases, as well as a large deep-set multipurpose space in the middle of the building. "We cannot wait to see what students decide to implant there," said SGA president Susan B. Antonioni. "The space will be cleared monthly, so every student will get her chance to take advantage of the heart of the Vag."

Despite overwhelming criticism, Barnard has maintained its intention to build a rooftop lawn on the Vag. "Obviously it will be mowed and trimmed regularly to assuage aesthetic concerns. We wouldn't want anyone to think that our beautiful Vag is unkempt," said a Barnard facilities worker. "We want everyone to see it as the flower it truly is."

The Vag will also house more performance spaces, offices for the Women Studies Department, and a Georgia O'Keefe gallery. Students are also encouraged to think of creative new uses for the building. "What can I say?" laughed Dean Denburg, from her hospital bed, "There is a lot of space in our Vag!"

Antonioni also addressed concern about Columbia students' use of the Vag. "I really hope Columbia students know that they are welcome to come down here and take advantage of our Vag whenever they feel like it. I know it might seem like an unwelcoming, scary place at first, but if Columbia students start using their heads, I'm sure they'll make it through."

I don't know about you girls, but I'm definitely looking forward to spending some quality time in our new Vag. It looks like it's going to be so lovely and welcoming, like our own little safe space. And, based on the information I got from interviews, it definitely seems like the Vag is going to be just so much more comfortable and less cramped than the But.