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In This Issue

• Go Green: All the Cool Kids Do It
• At CU, You Are Where You Live
• Letter from the Feditor
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• A Sneak Peek at Barnardʼs New Vag
• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationshipʼs Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THE FED’s Primer on Columbia-Speak
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• Dear Freshmen: How Right You Are!
• Your handy-dandy guide to Morningside Heights!
• Handy Dandy ID
• From the Desk of NSOP
• A Public Service Announcement
• The Fed Exclusive: Butler Library Gives Interview for the First Time in 74 Years
• THEY Watch
• The Staff

Why did you decide to come to Columbia? Was it being force-fed oh-so-useful knowledge about Herodotus? Obviously not. Was it the convenience of being within walking distance of Chipotle and Empanada Joes? Probably not. Was it the legendary JTS ladies? I should hope not.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you came to Columbia because it’s inextricably linked with New York City. But Columbia is more than just in New York; Columbia exudes New York. In fact, you’d be surprised how well Columbia’s own geography – specifically its dorms – reflects the geographical make up of the New York metropolitan area.

To that end, we here at The Fed would like to present: “What Dorms Correspond with What Areas of New York.”

Just a quick note, in this scenario, certain features of Columbia's geography stand in for New York's: Broadway is the Hudson, Amsterdam is the East River, and 110th Street is New York Harbor.

 

Dorm: Broadway and Carman

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Midtown and Times Square
Geographic Similarities: In the center of everything and yet miles away all that is good
Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: A great man once referred to Times Square as ‘the glittering anus of New York' and he was right. Much in the same way, Broadway and Carman are full of irritating, ignorant new comers awed by that which revolts real residents.

Dorm: Furnald

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Upper West Side

Geographic Similarities: Well located but populated by the boring and neurotic

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Furnald and the Upper West Side have so much in common because while they may be nice and well located, living there as a college can produce boredom-related aneurisms

Dorm: LLC

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Upper East Side

Geographic Similarities: A prime location where residents despise crude and profane outsiders

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Defined by haughty old buildings and the stuffiest of outdoors spaces, both LLC and the Upper East Side require potential residents to go through a rigorous, brain-washing application process to live in them.

Dorm: 600 West 113th Street

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Nameless Areas of Suburban North Jersey

Geographic Similarities: Just across the western physical barrier yet still so far away

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Tell someone that you live in 600 West 113th Street or a Nameless North Jersey Suburb and you'll get the same response: "it sounds lovely but I've never heard of it before and have no intention of going there."

Dorm: Ruggles

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Lower East Side

Geographic Similarities: On the right side of the divide, yet just far enough south and east to be completely inconvenient

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Ruggles and the Lower East Side both revel in their ‘so-run-down-even-the-rats-are-chic' image. They're both overrun with vermin, too: Ruggles with its cockroaches and the LES with its hipsters.

Dorm: Schapiro

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Jersey City/Fort Lee

Geographic Similarities: On the trashier side of the western physical barrier

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Jersey City and Schapiro are united in the fact that "I want to party there tonight" has never been said about either of them.

Dorm: Wien

NY Neighborhood Correlative: The Most Dangerous Neighborhoods of Brooklyn

Geographic Similarities: Separated by a physical barrier for a reason

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: Collapsing infrastructure, high crime, and degrading conditions define both hellholes. Yet the most dangerous areas of Brooklyn are somehow the lesser of two evils because at least in Bed Stuy no one uses their sink as their toilet.

Dorm: Brownstones

NY Neighborhood Correlative: Port Authority/Penn Station

Geographic Similarities: Conveniently located in the heart of all the noise and pollution.

Why the Similarities are More Than Just Geographic: These two post-apocalyptic thoroughfares may be crowded and bustling, but that's only the rush to get out of them as quick as possible. Additionally, they are also the only places left where a guy if a guy looks hard enough, he can totally find a hooker.