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In This Issue

• Go Green: All the Cool Kids Do It
• At CU, You Are Where You Live
• Letter from the Feditor
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• A Sneak Peek at Barnardʼs New Vag
• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationshipʼs Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THE FED’s Primer on Columbia-Speak
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• Dear Freshmen: How Right You Are!
• Your handy-dandy guide to Morningside Heights!
• Handy Dandy ID
• From the Desk of NSOP
• A Public Service Announcement
• The Fed Exclusive: Butler Library Gives Interview for the First Time in 74 Years
• THEY Watch
• The Staff

Ria Mar-Fan

Friends of Emma Jones and Henry Smith reported that at 2:35 A.M. on September 4, the high school sweethearts had switched their relationship status from “Open” to “It’s Complicated.”

Henry and Emma were schoolmates. They met in 2007 and hooked up in 2008. Shortly thereafter, they entered into A Relationship. Henry created a photo album—I HEART YOU EMMA JONES—commemorating their first date and updated it regularly; Emma commented on a number of the photos, saying intermittently “lol” and “xoxo.”

As high school came to a close, the dark specter of separation loomed like a bird of prey ready to impale their precocious love. Or as a friend of Henry wrote on his wall, “Dude, when are you gonna drop the bitch?”

At the beginning of September, the couple entered into an Open Relationship, at which point Henry joined the group “Alcohol Fills the Void Left by My Long Distance Relationship.”

Two days later, Emma wrote on Henry’s wall: “Why don’t you answer your phone, asshole?” Communication between the lovebirds remained non-existant until just before 11 P.M. on October 3.

At 10:43 P.M. Henry updated his list of favorite movies by removing Clueless, Mean Girls, Titanic, and the complete works of Freddie Prinze Jr. At 10:50, Emma posted on Henry’s wall: “WHAT??!?!? i thought you luuuuved she’s all that. i thought it was our movie....”

John did not respond. At 11:07, in an act of retaliation, Emma tagged a photo of herself fellating a frat boy.

At 11:13, Henry left the group Alcohol Fills the Void Left by My Long- Distance Relationship. At 11:14 he joined the group MISOGYNISTS UNITE! At 11:17, he created a group which he christened: “Emma Jones is a Dirty, Filthy Slut.”

At 12:45 A.M., Emma posted a photo of Henry’s fl accid penis, with a caption: “Warning Objects in Picture are Much Smaller than they appear.”

At 1:04, Henry posted a note describing in explicit detail the most bizarre of Emma’s sexual tendencies. By this time, 76 of Henry’s friends had joined Emma Jones is a Dirty Filthy Slut. Many of them posted pictures of their own to the group’s main page.

At 1:47, it occurred to Emma to cancel the event HENRY and EMMA 1 YR ANNIVERSARY XOXOXOXO!!!

It was not until 2:35 that the couple made the decision to complicate their relationship officially.

At 2:53, Henry changed his status from “liking to move it, move it” to “getting wasted tonight.” And, indeed, at 3:40, he would report that he was “spo fkingg drukkk.”

At 3:15, Emma added a friend detail about Henry: “Th ey hooked up in 2007 and it was like being raped by a cactus. Th e kind of cactus that has herpes.”

As of press time, Henry has not confirmed this detail.