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In This Issue

• Go Green: All the Cool Kids Do It
• At CU, You Are Where You Live
• Letter from the Feditor
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• A Sneak Peek at Barnardʼs New Vag
• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationshipʼs Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THE FED’s Primer on Columbia-Speak
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• Dear Freshmen: How Right You Are!
• Your handy-dandy guide to Morningside Heights!
• Handy Dandy ID
• From the Desk of NSOP
• A Public Service Announcement
• The Fed Exclusive: Butler Library Gives Interview for the First Time in 74 Years
• THEY Watch
• The Staff

I don’t care that you don’t want an iPhone. I don’t want an iPhone either, but I also know that other people don’t want to hear about it. Wow, you’ve resisted an ad campaign. Way to win the struggle, Che. I hope your Walkman falls into a gutter and you bend down to pick it up and Steve Jobs’ Ferrari swerves and drives into your face because he’s getting blown by a supermodel and can’t pay attention to the road because he and the supermodel are talking to each other on their iPhones.

Just because you know other people are failures doesn’t make you a winner. Stop trying to compensate. You’re boring.

Yes, Bono sucks. No need to reiterate.

And yes, the latest fashion trend (in accord with which the young ladies seem to have it in their pretty little heads that they simply must wear X) is annoying. I knew it before you said it.

Wait, what's that? Rich people are jerks, you say, and they buy meaningless trinkets while the poor starve and freeze, or freeze then starve? Eureka! You have discovered a bevy of cultural truths! Please, go on.

Furthermore, thanks for telling me that hipsters do indeed act as though they are superior to other people. What? Ha ha! They DO smoke clove cigarettes, and that IS peculiar! Ha ha! I had never noticed prior to this discussion.

In addition, no one has ever lambasted the ostentatious manners of college film majors so adroitly. Well done.

You know, I never recognized before how advertising delivers false promises in order to sell products. Thank you for pointing that out to me. Choke yourself.

Oh my, your imitation of a haughty professor is really too much! He smokes a pipe like that?! Really?!

And grad students do indeed wear scarves, drink coffee and condescend to those not of their ilk. Your incisive wit continues to draw blood from the flanks of modern society.

You make my eyes water with laughter-fluid, for your rhetorical broadsides against the intolerant ways of several prominent Christian leaders have caught me by joyful surprise! Hilarity is reborn!

You are correct once again in contending that cell-phone users impose on those around them. The Pope said what?

I concur with your findings about the attitudes of other motorists.

And furthermore, white corporate executives do act in the way you have described. For example, they probably smoke cigars of a length and width identical to what you have imagined.

You have my gratitude.

No, scratch that. You are a cesspool.