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In This Issue

• Go Green: All the Cool Kids Do It
• At CU, You Are Where You Live
• Letter from the Feditor
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• A Sneak Peek at Barnardʼs New Vag
• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationshipʼs Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THE FED’s Primer on Columbia-Speak
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in Our Room While I’m There
• Dear Freshmen: How Right You Are!
• Your handy-dandy guide to Morningside Heights!
• Handy Dandy ID
• From the Desk of NSOP
• A Public Service Announcement
• The Fed Exclusive: Butler Library Gives Interview for the First Time in 74 Years
• THEY Watch
• The Staff

Welcome to Columbia. Here food is free, plenty, and delicious. Advisers are always happy to see you and full of helpful advice. Alcohol and condoms flow free as the fountains on College Walk. At least that’s what THEY want you to think. But do not despair, young freshmen. The future may seem bleak, but you are not alone. Gather close, this is THEY WATCH.

I: “I know this is my first day, but I’m sure this has always been the policy” ... “I hear that you think we’ve been doing it differently for the last three years, but there has been no change in the official policy.” ... “ Yes, I’m very sorry that you were confused, feel free to register all complaints to this cage of rats over here.” The Columbia Bureaucracy = THEY!

II: There is a great mystical place where rats and cockroaches daren’t go. There everybody gets an air conditioned single, an unlimited Metrocard, a 4.5 GPA, and a spot in Gulati’s Principles class. But you will never go there because the university is currently using it for the very important purpose of storing chairs. Lerner Six = THEY!

III: What is that satanic box that checks e-mail, plays music, and makes phone calls? Why can’t I walk from the Barnard Quad to Mac anymore? Who are all these young’ns wandering around? What is this “hope” thing they’re always talking about? What do all these keys go to anyway? For reminding me of old age and impending graduation First Years = THEY!