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In This Issue

• The Many Temptations of Jesus Christ, CC 20 AD
• Slackers Take a Stand on Work
• Letters to the FEDitor
• From the Archives: Volume 14, Number 1 - February 1999
• David Foster Wallace, 46, Found Dead in Apartment
• Found: Lost Diary of a Sensitive Frat Boy
• ‘Roo 08: The Fed Reports
• Last Nightʼs Study Break on Hartley 5
• Confessions from a Member of God’s Flock
• The McCain/Obama Liveblog From Hell
• The Rime of a SEAS student
• Bra Burning is sooo passé
• Stephan Vincenzo: The Man, The Legend
• Orientation Activities: The Horror, The Horror
• Straight from the White Board of my NSOP Hookup
• The start of a new year...
• And now, two freshmen getting it on.
• Columbia Court
• Secret Oval Office Tapes Exposed! George W. Bush: “Fuck the Economy. And Fuck You.”
• THE FED Presents: A Political Cartoon
• A Public Service Announcement
• THE FED has this to say
• The Staff of 24.1
• THEY Watch

Henry Mortensen

I call upon God, the Lord, to enter into me. Yet what place is there in me for God to enter? God, who fashioned both the heavens and the earth-how can he enter into me, debased creature that I am. Thus I begin my Confessions, and tell my tale. I am called Augustine, by nature I am the phallus of John Paul, a new freshman at Columbia University, and by calling, a servant of the true lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

On our first day at Columbia, after we had finished our various orientation duties, John and I set out, I presumed to introduce ourselves to the local priest. To my surprise, I heard him speaking to a female voice. My first inclination obviously was that it belonged to a member of the nearby convent. I began to have doubts when it became clear that the voice belonged to a young woman. So I assumed that she was a fellow Christian that John was talking to while he waited for the Priest. But then I heard her state that she did not believe in God! I marveled then, as I do now, at those who are blind to the light of truth that is Jesus Christ. It seems to me that if, with an unbiased mind, you examine the empirical evidence, you will come to the conclusion that Jesus Christ is the Lord and with him alone lies our salvation.

However, I digress, because the misguided silliness of that woman soon became dwarfed by other concerns. Unexpectedly, I felt something rub up again me. I was nestled in John's underwear and could not see anything, so I was very confused, as the rubbing continued. I noticed inward changes as well; I began to grow oddly stiff. I became frightened; I somehow knew that I was on the edge of Satan's realm. I called to John asking him to explain what was happening, but there was no reply. Then the pants and underwear were pulled down. I saw that we were in some dorm room, and a freshman girl stood there nude as a harlot. "Beware of temptation," I cautioned John, and in response he silenced me with some strange plastic. The girl approached us; I was rigid with fear that only intensified as her bush of fiery red hair drew near. She grabbed John by the hands and drew him to her bed, while I was forced into her nexus. "Deliver us from evil," I supplicated, but no answer came.

I count myself lucky that I am not familiar with the ways of the Devil, but I knew that what John and I were engaged in was the beastly sin of fornication. I told myself that I would not enjoy it, and as if to mock me, ripples of pleasure swept over me; it was the delight of Lucifer.

We next ended up in the bathroom of some place called Tom's with a second female whose breasts loomed large and proud like Sodom and Gomorrah, and were just as vile. I tried to convince John of the errors of his ways. "John, remember the Sermon of the Mount. Blessed are the peacemakers. The peacemakers, people who bring things together, if you bring things together you will be blessed," I said to him in vain as he spread her legs apart.

What happened with the third girl can only be described as an anti-baptism of filth and depravity as I was dipped into her rear end. Our odyssey of evil took us from houses that reeked of the demon piss called beer and shook with the kitten killing rock music, to Babylons disguised as dorm rooms. With every girl, I pleaded with John to repent, but he was more interested in satisfying his carnal desires than in entering into the gates of Heaven.

So now I end my Confession by imploring all those who have accepted Jesus into your lives and care about your immortal souls. Stay away from Columbia! Stay far away. Do not draw near this dark forest, for here the Fallen One rules. So flee, flee, flee! from the ivory tower of wickedness.