• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Many Temptations of Jesus Christ, CC 20 AD
• Slackers Take a Stand on Work
• Letters to the FEDitor
• From the Archives: Volume 14, Number 1 - February 1999
• David Foster Wallace, 46, Found Dead in Apartment
• Found: Lost Diary of a Sensitive Frat Boy
• ‘Roo 08: The Fed Reports
• Last Nightʼs Study Break on Hartley 5
• Confessions from a Member of God’s Flock
• The McCain/Obama Liveblog From Hell
• The Rime of a SEAS student
• Bra Burning is sooo passé
• Stephan Vincenzo: The Man, The Legend
• Orientation Activities: The Horror, The Horror
• Straight from the White Board of my NSOP Hookup
• The start of a new year...
• And now, two freshmen getting it on.
• Columbia Court
• Secret Oval Office Tapes Exposed! George W. Bush: “Fuck the Economy. And Fuck You.”
• THE FED Presents: A Political Cartoon
• A Public Service Announcement
• THE FED has this to say
• The Staff of 24.1
• THEY Watch

Elaine Busic

Dear Diary,

I've had a tough day. People think its easy being in a frat but they don't understand the stress or the toll it takes on you. Being a frat boy requires slog and commitment. It was hard to repress a sigh, as I inspected the latest batch of pimple-backed recruits. I gestured and Brad took care of the water boarding. As each sat up, his red clouded eyes made me nostalgic for the days when I first joined Omega Delta Chi. Those innocent days, running down Low Steps in nothing but that in which I was born in- the air never tasted so sweet. Was it three years ago that I was so naive as to think that endless parties, beer, pot, and sex was all there was to being a frat bro? How was I to know how hard those mistresses could be?

Do you know how hard it is to drink half a keg, smoke up, and still have the energy to fuck twins? Well I think they were twins, maybe sisters, friends... whatever. They had matching baby-pink princess g-strings anyway. I'm not sure, as I said it is hard to maintain one's faculties after a certain point. And what is the meaning of it all, in any case? How much higher can a guy get? Threesomes, foursomes... At some point it just blurs into an orgy. Once upon a time I'd have been all: ‘Orgy, hot college girls, fuck man... Fucking hell, awesome dude, well as long as there aren't too many dudes... Like whoa' and so on and so forth. These days it's more of a case of, ‘Orgy or Gossip Girl reruns?' and, you know, sometimes I actually have to think about that one.

And the pledges just aren't what they used to be. Haven't they ever heard of starch? How am I supposed to pop my collar, if the damned thing is as limp as a queer on girls-go topless-Thursdays?

And those parties and the noise, God, I'm just not up to it anymore. Then again, what is a Bro to do? The other day we were in Hollister and some Dashboard started playing. How unlikely, right? But anyway, I started mouthing the words, God, what the hell was I thinking, if one of the guys had seen me... The humiliation. Recently the guys have been looking at me funny, ever since Tiffany... I guess I better step up my game. I'd best reach my quota: at least 97 ‘Bro-shouts' at the party tonight. Damn, better figure out if the guys decided on the ‘Hawaiian Hotstuff' theme or just ‘Bring beer, no roofies ‘til after ten'.

More disturbingly, I'm becoming slightly worried, I have begun to feel a slight itching in the area of my boxer shorts... damn, were their names Brandy and Candi, or Sandy and Mandy, or Andi and Brandi...? Oh well, I guess frat life isn't that bad; I can thank God I'm not a drama kid, or a hipster.