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First-Years and Last Temptations
Issue 24.1: October 2008
Posted: October 7, 2008

The McCain/Obama Liveblog From Hell

Sam Reisman

This is your candidate. This is your candidate on drugs.

Retrieved 20 September 2008, from i-am-going-to-mcbama-high-on-lotsof-drugs-and-alcohol.blogspot.com (9.11.08)

7:04: Just salvaged the remains of every leftover liquor bottle, beer can, and Solo cup in my Carman double (we had a crazy party last night- College is fuckin awesome!!!!) Poured them all into a 2-liter bottle of Fanta and shook it up good: I think it's mostly tequila and rum, some Sam Adams ale, Shiraz, club soda, a gin-and-tonic I found in the shower, and Mike's Hard (naturally). Looks kind of brownish green, not like Fanta at all, but, hey, fuck it, everyone's gonna be watching the big screen, and I went out and bought a brown paper bag (that's thinking, huh?). I stole five Percosets from my roommate for good measure and started off toward the Low Steps. Oh man, this is gonna be awesome.

7:10: Damn, there's a lot of people here! I bet they're smashed on all kinds of alcohol I haven't even heard of. College kids are so cool.

7:17: So I just went up to this guy- this, like, old and tall and really cool-looking college guy-and was like: "Hey, man, I've got some ‘shit' here. If you know what I mean." Then I showed him the brown paper bag (which I bought) and grinned really big so he'd know that when I said, "shit," what I really meant was, "alcohol." Playing it on the DL, you know. But he just shook his head and walked away. Fucking straight-arrow douchebag. Lamesville.

7:19: First Percoset down the hatch. Chased with a swallow of my "Fanta." It tastes kinda like an old birthday cake.

7:30: The speakers don't work, so I drink more.

7:46: Okay, dude. Now the color doesn't work. I down Perc number 2 and silently curse the world. I feel a little funny.

8:23: McCain just said, "The busiest people are the busiest. And the busier they get, the busier they get." I don't think I'm fucked up enough to figure out what that means.

8:34: The drugs are seriously kicking in. I thought I just heard McCain say he'd appoint Obama to his cabinet.

8:45: Oh, man. Roommate just called to ask about his missing pills. Apparently, the Percosets are actually acid. I am so fucked.

9:21: On the big television screen, I watch Obama get eaten by spacewolves on the New Jersey Turnpike, where the butterflies dance to the tune of Salvador Dalí's mustache. The color of grey is all places, the color of grey is a blue bear or dog; a dog, a blue dog. Everyone sitting on the Steps is in a video game, inside of a video game, like that movie eXistenZ. We are all inside of the Video Game right now. Winning the game is the point of winning the game and the point of winning the game is to find your Spirit Reference Objective, which is the combination of all outer and inner selves. I have found all the cheat codes, and I have roughly 9400 lives left. And community service is good, is a real good thing.

9:43: The video game is over and the crowd just turned into a sea of mint jelly. I'm holding on to a beautiful woman, her skin is the color of aluminum foil, and I'm asking her to love me, just love me as I am. Oh wait. That's my MacBook.