• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Many Temptations of Jesus Christ, CC 20 AD
• Slackers Take a Stand on Work
• Letters to the FEDitor
• From the Archives: Volume 14, Number 1 - February 1999
• David Foster Wallace, 46, Found Dead in Apartment
• Found: Lost Diary of a Sensitive Frat Boy
• ‘Roo 08: The Fed Reports
• Last Nightʼs Study Break on Hartley 5
• Confessions from a Member of God’s Flock
• The McCain/Obama Liveblog From Hell
• The Rime of a SEAS student
• Bra Burning is sooo passé
• Stephan Vincenzo: The Man, The Legend
• Orientation Activities: The Horror, The Horror
• Straight from the White Board of my NSOP Hookup
• The start of a new year...
• And now, two freshmen getting it on.
• Columbia Court
• Secret Oval Office Tapes Exposed! George W. Bush: “Fuck the Economy. And Fuck You.”
• THE FED Presents: A Political Cartoon
• A Public Service Announcement
• THE FED has this to say
• The Staff of 24.1
• THEY Watch

Sarah Levin

Sarah Levin

Sarah Levin

Sarah Levin

Sarah Levin

Although right now you may be nervous, we here at Columbia hope that you are also ready to start your new life in New York City! With this hope, we are proud to bring you Live From New York: NSOP 2008 (Orientation fee: $385, non-refundable, mandatory for all students)! Here are some of the many exciting events we have planned:

An Intimate Evening at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

Join your new friends for an NSOP-exclusive visit to one of the world's greatest art museums-free of charge (don't forget $4 for the subway)! Experience the first great logistical challenge of your Columbia career by becoming immersed in a crowd of over 1,000 people attempting to transfer from the subway to the 86th street crosstown bus- at the same time! By the time you manage to find your way through Central Park-should you decide to "fuck the bus" and "just walk right through it"-you will have just enough time to enjoy a brief feast of mocktails and gummy bears while being forced to scrutinize the neck of the guy in front of you in the tremendous crowd of students all trying to view the Greek vase that has something to do with the Odyssey at the same time. Since you will have no idea how to get back to the subway, and everyone in Central Park after seven is involved either in raping or being raped (you watched Angels in America), you'll hail a cab and head back to campus (for only $10 extra!).

Lunch at John Jay Dining Hall

Starting on the third day of NSOP, your dining plan will be in effect, so don't hesitate to start eating two meals every day at John Jay! Your stomach will thank you during Finals Week when you've maxed out your meal plan. If you went to Barnard, you would have an unlimited meal plan as a first year, but here at Columbia, we encourage you to spend less time in the cafeteria and more time patronizing Manhattan's thousands of ridiculously expensive restaurants! Once you run out of money, you can return to your meager meal plan to keep you alive through fall semester. There's no reason to complain: if you can manage to get through four years without starving, we'll give you a really sweet degree. And you will have read Herodotus.

Sexual Consent Workshop

If you thought that forcing conversations with dozens of people you've never met before and don't necessarily like is awkward, you'll really feel uncomfortable talking with them about erogenous zones and fetishes! Enjoy several free pamphlets ($3.00 printing fee), play "The Penis Game" for the first time since 7th grade, and wonder if the kid sitting next to will continue to shake his leg for the duration of the session (it'll really get annoying). After a very heated and completely useless debate about the definition of "consent" (does "no" mean "yes" if she's foreign?), you will end the session by receiving the gift of a free Blow Pop ($2.00 delivery fee), with a label from Health Services reading "sucker". It will make you feel uncomfortable.

Stand in a Really Long Line

Enjoy an unforgettable opportunity to bond with your classmates and find yourself at the end of a really long line. Why is this line here? What's at the front of this line? What kind of brilliant motherfucker organized this event anyway? Why couldn't they just make two lines? The possibilities for conversation are endless! After not going anywhere for a half hour, you'll probably make the right decision and just leave. By the time you realize that whatever you're standing in line for costs money, you'll gladly pay just to have not spent so much of your time in vain.

Engage in Self Mutilation

By the end of the week, you'll be poor, disheartened, surrounded by people you only know in a very superficial way, and sick from your massive and unnatural intake of alcohol. Seeing as how you've lost all the faith you'd ever had in humanity, this would be a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with some of your friends in the Swiss Army. As fresh blood rushes down your arm like a swarm of graduate students towards SIPA library, you'll find comfort in writing poetry with no verbs on a notebook made out of pinecones. If college is a wasteful deluge of confusion, then your soul is like a dark haven of loneliness. Only two more days until classes start!

As exciting as these events are, they are only a few of the dozens of exciting activities we have planned for you this week! Have fun, stay safe, and remember to apply for several jobs - you're going to need them.

-The 2008 NSOP Committee