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First-Years and Last Temptations
Issue 24.1: October 2008
Posted: October 7, 2008

The Rime of a SEAS student

Jochen Kang

Stephen K Chan

Learn-ed, 1337-est Nick Janiere,
Is the one math problems fear.
Keeper of the digits Pi,
Rider of the waves of Sine.
Traveled lists on while and for;
Slew two 1's with an X-OR.
Having conquered School of High,
N. Janiere went to NY.
At the gates to College Walk,
Thus did 1337-est N. J. talk:
"I am Nicholas Janiere,
And I want the world to hear,
Any major I can beat.
I am N. Janiere most 1337!"
Alas, it was not meant to be,
For we now meet with Charlie C,
Holding coffee; all else pack't
In a bag of but one strap.
He said: "I don't mean to gripe,
But you lack a social life.
I have to tell you that I fear,
You won't get laid for a zillion years."
Learn-ed, 1337-est Nick replied:
"Ev'rything you say is lies.
A zillion is no numeral,
And I don't care for sex at all."
Taken back by this reply,
Charlie C. bid his goodbye.
This debate had tired Nick,
And he observed that he must pick
Somewhere he can eat in peace.
Lo, it is John Jay he sees!
Many have come here for food,
Only to get an'ly screwed.
But N. J. was so foolish then,
Ate, and then left for Pu-pin.
He ate at John Jay and he lived!
‘Cause of this, the gods were pissed.
For this crime they did decide,
Nicholas Janiere must die!
As Nick J. went to Pu-pin,
He saw many guys like him.
All are warriors of the Fu,
Sure of what they want to do.
"Welcome to the school of SEAS,"
Said the prof before the seats,
"'Pare thyself to work ‘til late.
Navigate the Way of Gate."
But N. J. was not content,
To have his four years thus spent.
He stood up: "This I don't like!"
But right then the gods did strike.
Stomach rumbled; ass felt sore.
There's no bathroom on this floor!
As Nick ran to level two,
Global warming sped up soon.
Suddenly, New York did flood:
Water going up, up, up!
Is Nick J. now out of luck?
He can't swim. Oh right. He's fucked.
(Pardon me, if verse was bad,
I have not read Iliad.)