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In This Issue

• The Many Temptations of Jesus Christ, CC 20 AD
• Slackers Take a Stand on Work
• Letters to the FEDitor
• From the Archives: Volume 14, Number 1 - February 1999
• David Foster Wallace, 46, Found Dead in Apartment
• Found: Lost Diary of a Sensitive Frat Boy
• ‘Roo 08: The Fed Reports
• Last Nightʼs Study Break on Hartley 5
• Confessions from a Member of God’s Flock
• The McCain/Obama Liveblog From Hell
• The Rime of a SEAS student
• Bra Burning is sooo passé
• Stephan Vincenzo: The Man, The Legend
• Orientation Activities: The Horror, The Horror
• Straight from the White Board of my NSOP Hookup
• The start of a new year...
• And now, two freshmen getting it on.
• Columbia Court
• Secret Oval Office Tapes Exposed! George W. Bush: “Fuck the Economy. And Fuck You.”
• THE FED Presents: A Political Cartoon
• A Public Service Announcement
• THE FED has this to say
• The Staff of 24.1
• THEY Watch

Malcolm Culleton

Any first-year quickly learns a puzzling fact in Lit Hum class: an account of Jesus Christ's childhood is inexplicably missing from the New Testament. Though historians and religious scholars have tried their darndest to unravel this mystery, through studious investigative work The Fed has personally discovered the truth: Jesus Christ CC 20 AD spent seven years of his life as a Columbia undergrad.

"Of course I remember Jesus," said life-long John Jay security guard C. Maxwell. "Always used to get me tea at lunch time, stopped at the desk for a talk. And, God knows, guy rolled the best blunts on campus. We staffers called him J."

Indeed, the holier-than-Thou persona we get from the New Testament couldn't be further from the truth.

"Jesus was awesome" said classmate John McCain CC 21 AD. "I remember a party freshman year-no one had any beer. Then Jesus came and he was like, ‘Let there be beer'- everyone was drunk as fuck."

A JJ's staffer who requested anonymity had the following to say about Jesus: "I don't want to get into trouble or anything-Jesus was a legacy and his father was a big donor-but Jesus was a prick. First off, the guy was obsessed with free food. Walked into Columbia stick thin-looked like his daddy starved him or something. But, guy could find food like a pig finds truffles. SEAS dinner, Muslim Society dinner, Luna Gallery-it didn't matter what the occasion was. If there was free food, there was Jesus."

Apparently, the life of vice took its toll on the body of Jesus "Big Stick" Christ; The Fed received a report from a Health services worker calling himself "Udas-jay" that documents a plethora of psychological and physical ailments including Genital Herpes following a sexual encounter with a tranny barnard girl named Roy, severe obesity after freshman year, and an unhealthy preoccupation with sadomasochism. Jesus was purportedly so fat that he had to walk on water to fulfill his swim test requirement.

Yet, after seven beautiful years of white and blue, Jesus miraculously graduated (without distinction). President Pontius Pilate wrote of Jesus' Graduation:

"Jesus missed graduation, but his father insisted we hold a ceremony. So, we decided to give him his diploma at the activities fair the following autumn. Jesus came to the ceremony high on ‘E,' stood on the sundial, and told everyone he really, really loved them and stuff. But then the Latin Club and Hillel booed him off stage."