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America Votes: Apocalypse Now or Later?
Issue 24.2: Electoween 2008
Posted: October 30, 2008

A Very Sarah Palin Halloween Special

Rowan Buchanan

Here in Alaska, we just think of stocks as where ya put the village idiot. Some of the nice men in D.C. have told me, though, that these things are upsettin’ ya. So, I want to make your lives a ‘lil easier. Now ya’ wont have to ruin your Octobers stressin’ and worryin’ about what to dress your lil ones up as for Halloween! First, I want you all to believe in yourselves and your children. If they have good ideas, try to work with them!

My little girl wanted to go as a disenfranchised trophy wife and you know what I said to her? It just isn’t a lady’s place to be using long ol’ words like that. She saw her old mom was right and she’s going to be a pregnant nun, we don’t even need to buy the body suit. Now thats saving! However I know most of you can’t be as lucky as us so I’ll try to give you some cheaper options.

The Ruski: Now I live just across the way but I know the hockey moms of Arizona might not be so sure about this so I’ll give you some tips.

The key accessories are: The big fur hat, you can make it out of your own moose or pick one up at your local Wal-Mart; the vodka bottle, make sure to file the edges, wouldn’t want little jimmy cutting himself and of course that commie manifesto by that nasty Groucho Marx. Never cared for his mustache. Or that ridiculous brother of his, Harpy.

The Feminist: Everyone knows how risky and dangerous unladylike women like these are; they make a perfectly scary costume. I myself think a short ratty blonde wig will terrify all your little one’s friends. Some big ol’ combat boots on a gal will be sure to make all the boys run screaming, and don’t forget the travel abortion kit.

Remember if you’re going to adapt one of your rifles for that purpose explain to your little girl that she shouldn’t really shoot babies or men. Though you might want to show her the gun in case she spots some un-American activity.

The Hippy: Now this is a really good option for all y’all who are feeling a bit tight this year. Now take you’re little un, and dress him up in his grandma’s old clothes. When that’s done you gotta roll him around in the mud a little. And there you have it one dirty little hippy. Now some mothers say that hippies burn the American Flag and they’re right but remember this is only Halloween. Make sure they don’t start ascribing to any of those dirty liberal ideals. Now that, ladies, would be utterly terrifying.

The Intellectual: Now its hard to encounter one of these in the wild but I’ve met plenty of them recently in Warshington. Now for the costume a pair of glasses, bad, hair and a torn ugly suit ‘ll do. But the important thing is the attitude. Remember to tell your kiddie to ask lots of silly questions. Intellectuals care about strange things like which newspaper you read or what books you like. Intellectuals are also weak wristed and probably don’t know how to carry a gun so you’ll have to tell your little boy he can’t bring his rifle out with him if he wants it to be realistic.

The New Yorker: Well this one makes even me tremble a little inside. New Yorkers are a lot like intellectuals but they’re extremist intellectuals. They dress all in black, kind of like those ladies from that Iraq. Instead of eating they consume cigarettes and coffee. The chemicals from this causes their mouths to move at triple speed so the nonsense questions come out even faster. Your kid may need to practice in front of the mirror or they may strain something.

Well that’s all for now folks, remember to vote for your favorite mavericks!