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In This Issue

• Election 2032: In which intrepid itinerant Benway Wharfinger reports his Chronicle of a Most Vacuous Contest
• Partying Hard with Lee Bollinger
• From the Archives: Volume 12, Number 3 — October 15, 1997
• Sarah Palin: The Next Elbridge Gerry?!
• Your Handy-Dandy Schematic for Bailout 2008
• TARGET(TM) Children's Music Festival Probably Enjoyed by Someone. Possibly by Children.
• OUR SCHOOL IS COLUMBIA; OUR LIEGE IS KALI-MA
• John Jay Food Exposed—through Science!
• A Very Sarah Palin Halloween Special
• Do-It-Yourself Particle Accelerator!
• 40s on 40 Through the Ages: A Thought Experiment
• White-Collar Hobos Gentrify Public Parks
• Costumes that Should Not be Sexy
• Non-Voters: The “Other” Demographics
• Playing in a Puddle of Predictions
• Where to Trick and how you'll be “Treated”
• There's No Place Like The GOP
• Partnership for a "Free Drugs!" America
• The Staff of 24.2
• THEY Watch

Sarah Levin

Below is an article I found on the floor of the 10th floor Pupin men's room, crumpled up next to a mysteriously, yet wonderfully scented, potted plant...Galileo really shouldn't look so pissed in his portrait...

ON THE CHEMICAL COMPOSITION AND ORIGINS OF THE AGGREGATES CREATED FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION AT THE "JOHN JAY DINING HALL"

Professor Sir J. J. Schmidt IX, PhD, MD, DDS, BS, MS, CD, LLD, Esq., Salk Institute x 1023

ABSTRACT

Though it may seem that this field has been exhaustively studied- nothing novel has come from the examination of the subject in question since Dr. M. I. Pupin's 1924 groundbreaking paper on the radiation levels in certain gluten containing products in the hall-new light has recently been shed on the actual chemical and geographical nature of the samples as opposed to the overall radiological composition, which has, indeed, been exhaustively studied. It is the goal of this paper to shed light on these matters, and, hopefully, earn the merits for a Nobel Prize, a department chair, or at least a free few beers at the next Planck Sypmosium for Particle Physics.

AN UNDERCOVER EXTRACTION

To obtain accurate, unadultered samples at the hall, it was necessary to use a crack extraction team that consisted of post-doctorate fellows Drs. A. Jorgensensteinenheimer and Z. Hayakawoyamasan. The team was able to extract pure samples of "Vegan Chicken Cutlet (VCC)," "Roast Turkey Soup (RTS)," and an "omelet (WGO)" from a mysterious masculine figure named "Welma." The extraction was done under great duress, as Drs. Jorgensteinenheimer and Hayakawaoyamasan had not undergone any form of social interaction since entering graduate school some 25 years ago. The constant barrage of "Barnard Bears (comparable to, as Dr. Yang has often said, pigs in lipstick)," and references to things such as "Lit Hum," left the team feeling only at home with the so-called "SEAS kids."

ANALYSIS

A series of events left only one sample usable, the VCC. Dr. Jorgensensteinenheimer accidentally ingested the RTS, mistaking it for his daily coffee, and proceeded to waste away from a combination of alpha radiation poisoning and the curious disease known as "Montezuma's Revenge." The WGO spontaneously combusted when put into a calorimeter, leaving behind only a strange dust of uniform composition dubbed WGO-1.

WGO-1-Defining Characteristics

• Similar to melanoma compounds of one "John McCain"

• A radioactive variant of "Soul of Republican," evidently inserted by this dubious "Welma" to pacify students

• Causes stinginess, irritability, irrationality, the strong desire to buy a gun to shoot the Russians you can see from your house, and an urge to say the phrase "my friends."

As far as VCC is concerned, this odd sample appeared to be an aggregate of several substances pressed into roughly the shape of the popular figure "Das Boot."

VCC-Compositional Highlights

• Baby llama heads

• local lavatory scrapings

• essence of Harvard ego (a quite cheap material on the market nowadays, as always)

• VCC-1: similar to the result of the residue from tribal fires on the Congo River (the horror...the horror) involving gun powder, cocaine, and nymph buffalo semen: suppresses taste-bud function and causes severed constipation

• VCC-2: stereoisomer of oil secreted by Mephitis mephitis, the common striped skunk

• VCC-3: anthraquinones from the Senna genus, the active ingredient in the popular drug "Ex-Lax."

CONCLUSION

The results of this set of experiments, needless to say, are absolutely staggering and have enormous ramifications for both the scientific community and the larger public. The field of gastroradiological biochemical analysis is undergoing a period of growth not seen in decades. Stein's recent investigation into the underground health conspiracy trifecta among the parties "Duane Reade," "St. Luke's Hospital," and "Columbia Housing and Dining Services" now has increased relevance, as do the allegations of groups like SASS ("Students Against Stinky Shit"). Clearly, the impact and importance of this groundbreaking paper can point to only one logical conclusion: this humble researcher will be drinking champagne instead of laboratory grade ethanol for the first time ever when the Nobel laureates are announced next year. Mission accomplished.