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In This Issue

• Election 2032: In which intrepid itinerant Benway Wharfinger reports his Chronicle of a Most Vacuous Contest
• Partying Hard with Lee Bollinger
• From the Archives: Volume 12, Number 3 — October 15, 1997
• Sarah Palin: The Next Elbridge Gerry?!
• Your Handy-Dandy Schematic for Bailout 2008
• TARGET(TM) Children's Music Festival Probably Enjoyed by Someone. Possibly by Children.
• OUR SCHOOL IS COLUMBIA; OUR LIEGE IS KALI-MA
• John Jay Food Exposed—through Science!
• A Very Sarah Palin Halloween Special
• Do-It-Yourself Particle Accelerator!
• 40s on 40 Through the Ages: A Thought Experiment
• White-Collar Hobos Gentrify Public Parks
• Costumes that Should Not be Sexy
• Non-Voters: The “Other” Demographics
• Playing in a Puddle of Predictions
• Where to Trick and how you'll be “Treated”
• There's No Place Like The GOP
• Partnership for a "Free Drugs!" America
• The Staff of 24.2
• THEY Watch

Nina Pedrad

Sarah Palin has received a lot of flack from the granola-munching, tree-hugging, distressed-vintagetee- wearing liberal media. They say if elected, she’d be one of the most inexperienced Vice Presidents in United States history. They say she can’t name any previous Vice Presidents. The New York Times called her an “evil witch doctor.”

Well, not really, but it was implied in their tone.

The point is, the elitist liberal media is as wrong as a Christmas season without a new Tim Allen movie. If they’d do their research, they’d know that Sarah Palin can name Vice Presidents (in the Katie Couric interview she named Geraldine Ferraro… who, okay, fine, Suzie Semantics, was never actually Vice President) and that she has lots in common with past Vice Presidents, chiefly her experience.

Don’t you know? Your strokes his- Ivory-Tower-every- four-years-by voting- for-Nader political science professor failed to mention this to you?

Easy, Tanto. Hold onto your neon green Urban Outfitters kufiyya. Here’s a list of similarities between Palin and other Veeps:

Thomas Jefferson studied mathematics at The College of William & Mary. Sarah Palin named one of her kids Trig.

Aaron Burr was a New York assemblyman, New York state attorney general, and United States Senator before he became Vice President. He also shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Sarah Palin has shot things.

She has not to date shot a person, but neither did Dick Cheney until he became Vice President. Chill up, clock-monger.

William R. King was called “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy” by Andrew Jackson because he was rumored to be homosexual. These nicknames can also apply to Sarah Palin because she is a woman.

George Clinton has counties in New York, Missouri, Ohio, and Illinois named after him. Lakota Industries just named their pink hunting bow “Sarah-Cuda” after Palin.

Al Gore was 44 when elected to the Vice Presidency, and recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming. Sarah Palin would also be 44 if elected.

John C. Calhoun was dubbed a War Hawk because of his enthusiasm to engage in the War of 1812. Sarah Palin probably shot a hawk and used the feathers in a Thanksgiving centerpiece.

James Madison is often referred to as the “father” of the Bill of Rights. Sarah Palin is often referred to as the “mother” of her children.

Sarah Palin was third runner-up for Miss Alaska, but she walked away with the beauty pageant’s Miss Congeniality award. Elbridge Thomas Gerry, Vice President to Madison, won Miss Congeniality at the 1787 Constitutional Convention.

Levi Morton had fatty muttonchops during his term. Sarah Palin shaves hers.

John N. Garner coined the phrase “It isn’t worth a bucket of warm piss,” which sounds like something Sarah Palin would say when drunk.

Sarah Palin is currently serving her second year as governor of Alaska. Spiro Agnew, the Vice President with the most similar background as her, served as governor of Maryland for less than two years before he was elected Vice President.

Spiro Agnew was later indicted under criminal charges and forced to resign from office.