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In This Issue
- Election 2032: In which intrepid itinerant Benway Wharfinger reports his Chronicle of a Most Vacuous Contest
- Partying Hard with Lee Bollinger
- From the Archives: Volume 12, Number 3 — October 15, 1997
- Sarah Palin: The Next Elbridge Gerry?!
- Your Handy-Dandy Schematic for Bailout 2008
- TARGET(TM) Children's Music Festival Probably Enjoyed by Someone. Possibly by Children.
- OUR SCHOOL IS COLUMBIA; OUR LIEGE IS KALI-MA
- John Jay Food Exposed—through Science!
- A Very Sarah Palin Halloween Special
- Do-It-Yourself Particle Accelerator!
- 40s on 40 Through the Ages: A Thought Experiment
- White-Collar Hobos Gentrify Public Parks
- Costumes that Should Not be Sexy
- Non-Voters: The “Other” Demographics
- Playing in a Puddle of Predictions
- Where to Trick and how you'll be “Treated”
- There's No Place Like The GOP
- Partnership for a "Free Drugs!" America
- The Staff of 24.2
- THEY Watch
THEY Watch
It’s that time again, when the people of this country flex their democratic muscles. The politicians lie. The talking heads lie. That guy holding a clipboard as you try to get to class lies. Trust only THEY WATCH.
I: As of this writing, I am caught in the throes of gastric Armageddon— a tempest of swill, shit, bile, and hell unleashed in my viscera— wrought unto me by Roti Roll’s Lamb Frankie Wrap. In the delirium, I’ve realized that Sarah Palin’s candidacy is some kind of metaphor for food poisoning. Two hours straight on the pot now and my suitemates are starting to wonder if I’m dead. I can only sit here and reread The Blue and White so many times: I begin to wonder too. Roti Roll = THEY!
II: THEY tell me the Yes We Can video will go off when I believe in hope. THEY tell me to give them my food money because the words of the Messiah are all the nourishment I need. Please help me. I don’t have much longer. I can feel my will weakening... You must join us. Believe and the future will be prosperity, rainbows, and fuzzy puppies. Resistance is futile. We are coming for your braiiiiiins. The zombies who blindly follow Obama = THEY!
III: According to Fox News, when CU students aren’t busy performing just-for-kicks carbon-free abortions on our athiestic feminazi friends...we are getting spectacularly laid. Like non-stop. Sex clubs, erotic magazines, naked parties, and that shameless hussy who’s always giving me sex tips over the Internet—Alice! Of all the bullshit reported on Fox, this is one thing I wish were true.... Fox = THEY!