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In This Issue

• Election 2032: In which intrepid itinerant Benway Wharfinger reports his Chronicle of a Most Vacuous Contest
• Partying Hard with Lee Bollinger
• From the Archives: Volume 12, Number 3 — October 15, 1997
• Sarah Palin: The Next Elbridge Gerry?!
• Your Handy-Dandy Schematic for Bailout 2008
• TARGET(TM) Children's Music Festival Probably Enjoyed by Someone. Possibly by Children.
• OUR SCHOOL IS COLUMBIA; OUR LIEGE IS KALI-MA
• John Jay Food Exposed—through Science!
• A Very Sarah Palin Halloween Special
• Do-It-Yourself Particle Accelerator!
• 40s on 40 Through the Ages: A Thought Experiment
• White-Collar Hobos Gentrify Public Parks
• Costumes that Should Not be Sexy
• Non-Voters: The “Other” Demographics
• Playing in a Puddle of Predictions
• Where to Trick and how you'll be “Treated”
• There's No Place Like The GOP
• Partnership for a "Free Drugs!" America
• The Staff of 24.2
• THEY Watch

Malcolm Culleton

Visitors to Morningside Park have noticed that the “Forever wild” culture of the local homeless population is fading. Walking down the trails, one will now find mahogany desks and leather chairs, alongside residents donning suit, tie, and briefcase.

Throughout the city, former Wall Street investment bankers are moving in to homeless neighborhoods due to the recent no-housing boom. “This is a very exciting time to be investing in Morningside Park,” said Phillip Mortensen, a Lehmann employee-turned-squatter, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Plus, the locals don’t hate us; we haven’t lost their money.”

However, recent developments may change this friendly atmosphere. “These Wall Street types are ruining the feel of this place,” said Jim, a local who forgot his last name. “Today it’s some fancy furniture and week-old suits; tomorrow they’ll wanna Starbucks here!”

There also economic concerns. The New York City parks were originally built as part of the public Home Less Live More program to keep no-income families off the streets. With private investors moving in, however, this may change.

“We’ve been paying nothing,” said Jim, “The overinvestment in this highly valuable property will strain the market and yield empty purchases that undermine our own economic stability. Do they not get that? “ Jim then pulled a tooth from his mouth. “They want to drive us out,” said Carl, a resident of Central Park. “They think they’re so much better than us because they have no money!”

Some residents are already feeling the effects. One of them, whom the locals call “Crazy Chris” has fallen off his bench in his sleep.

“Rrhhh fhuu…” he replied when asked about how he felt about his changing environment. Asked more loudly, he answered: “Aaah! You’re the guys from Mars! Please don’t probe me again!”

Still, others respond less viscerally to the possibility of cooperative investment.

Mortensen’s colleague, Richard Face, who refused to provide his legal name, believes it would in fact improve the neighborhood. “We are not replacing their culture. We bring class and sophistication; they bring food and a stable income,” said Face. “Off the record, though, I think we should kick these bums out. I mean, we actually worked to get where we are.”

Meanwhile, local residents of Central Park are already petitioning to halt further annexation of their benches, some even threatening continued Wall Street collapse with organized hunger strikes. Currently, neither group has been willing to compromise, both sides resorting to the tactic common to them all: stabbing rivals in their sleep.