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In This Issue

• CU Lions Massacred by Ballroom Dancing 77-3
• Sen. McCain: “Just Let Me Retire.”
• From the Archives
• Joey Dʼs Last Word on Not Sweating in School
• Everybody Poops...But How Do They Do It?
• A Scientific Study on the Phenomenon of Pre-Gaming
• A First-Hand Look at the Indigenous Peoples of Butler Library: The Ivy League Gone Wild
• Holiday Greeting Cards
• George W. Bush: The Final Countdown
• CULBA: The Columbia Underground Listing of Barnard Ability
• Donʼt Like Waking Up in Your Own Vomit?
• THE FED’s Reading Week Drinking Games
• Gossip Girl Comes to Columbia University
• Four out of Five Dentists Agree...
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.3

Nina Pedrad

Remember when global warming was a myth? Remember when George W. Bush was President? Remember Gigli? Looking back on the past eight years—Wait. What? George W. Bush still is President? Oh. My bad. Wow. Well, this is awkward. I guess I just thought because of the election—no? Still President? Got it.

Man, I miss him. And I miss when he mattered. You know, I bet he’s maxin’ and relaxin’ Fresh Prince style in the White House until January. In fact, I’d like to think he spends the next month like this:

November 24: Gets lost giving Chilean President Michelle Bachelet a tour of the White House.

November 25: Goes adventuring! Discovers new bathroom in the West Wing! He used to think it was it a closet!

November 25 (later): Uses it.

November 26: Dick Cheney takes away his dog, Barney, until he agrees to publicly threaten Venezuela with nuclear war.

November 26 (later): Publicly threatens Venezuela with nuclear war.

December 1: Butterfly tickles his nose. It is fun and funny!

December 2: Meets with Ben Bernanke about recess. Oh no, not recess, recession. He’s way less excited now.

December 3: Plays hide and go seek. By himself. He wins!

December 4: Makes fort in Oval Office using chairs and Lincoln bedroom sheets. Forbids Cheney from entering unless he says the magic password: “Lady Godiva butt booger.”

December 5: Breakfast for dinner Wednesday… WHEEEEEEEEE!

December 6: Sits impatiently through Iraq briefing. Asks why we can’t “just put things on hold there for a while.” Joint Chiefs remind him that Iraq isn’t like World of Warcraft.

December 7: Plays with a stick.

December 8: Watches The Hills. Wishes LC and Heidi would make up, but understands LC’s concerns about the awkwardness with Spencer. Ultimately realizes that it’s just a really difficult situation.

December 9: Does cartwheels on the front lawn. Naked. No one cares, because he doesn’t matter anymore.