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In This Issue

• CU Lions Massacred by Ballroom Dancing 77-3
• Sen. McCain: “Just Let Me Retire.”
• From the Archives
• Joey Dʼs Last Word on Not Sweating in School
• Everybody Poops...But How Do They Do It?
• A Scientific Study on the Phenomenon of Pre-Gaming
• A First-Hand Look at the Indigenous Peoples of Butler Library: The Ivy League Gone Wild
• Holiday Greeting Cards
• George W. Bush: The Final Countdown
• CULBA: The Columbia Underground Listing of Barnard Ability
• Donʼt Like Waking Up in Your Own Vomit?
• THE FED’s Reading Week Drinking Games
• Gossip Girl Comes to Columbia University
• Four out of Five Dentists Agree...
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.3

Sarah Levin

When I do something, I do it. Cheerleader, mini-keg, or orgo exam. Health Services has liquid codeine? Then this guy’s getting bronchitis, whatever the cost. I’ve gone to sleep with wet hair and the window open in the dead of winter, chain-smoking menthols until my voice sounds like Harvey Fierstein, whatever. Determination. I actually dropped third period French just so I could mean it when I told the fellas how I dumped Jacquelyn Tanner in simile form. I call juniors freshmen for fun. Forget about it. I’ve bent my cock into unfathomable positions and really tested my scrotum’s elasticity in the locker room to prove I’m not only the best D-man on my club lax squad, but the best penis puppeteer too… no homo. Motivation.

Point is, I know a thing or two about success and getting what I want. Columbia being the dweeb rookery that it is, and seeing as final exams and term papers aren’t too far off, I imagine the community would greatly benefit from my tips on studying: Now I should clear up some myths that worked to my detriment freshman, sophomore, and first semester junior year, before I realized some shit just doesn’t work, period.

First, osmosis via book-on-facesleeping works inconsistently, if at all, depending on how many classes you attended since midterms and how permeable your face is. Second, blunts to the face do not stimulate intellectual inquiry or productive group study sessions. However, academic rigor often overshadows the importance of achieving social equilibrium, and so if hanging out under the guise of studying relieves stress for you freaks, I see no harm. (What’s good, Steve, Chad, Chris, Chet, Murf, Dave, Roger, and Phil? J.J.’s at midnight. I’m gonna’ scarf a cheese steak swimming in honey mustard with no hands and then we’ll look over Spanish homework.)

Third, and I here rectify a fallacy propagated by highfalutin academics on the nerd patrol – the grad student types, the four-eyed section men who study Russian Literature, bang heffers, and ruin Chekhov, Stendhal and, Bruce Springsteen for the whole class: Wikipedia is a reliable source, a well of nuanced factoids waiting eagerly to be gleaned from. And they usually have pictures. Let’s keep it simple: if SparkNotes, JStor, and the pervert genius Herman Poffinburger from my Cold War history course triple penetrated the smartest, hottest teacher ever, and all their vanillas mixed, the baby would be Wikipedia.

It’s important to keep your sanity, though. Keep comfortable routines. For instance, I’m a vodka- Redbull kind of guy, so I treat myself to one before hitting the books. VRBs get me amped. I find myself balls deep in Benjamin’s Illuminations six hours later, totally entrenched, sweating and screaming, absolutely loving it, when I realize I’m not in O’Connell’s getting blasted or in Dodge getting swole, but in Butler getting fucking educated. (If working out isn’t a habit or an addiction or both for you like it is for me, I aggressively and confrontationally encourage you to make it one.)

Take a deep breath. Rub one out. Hit the gym. Flex a little bit and think, “Shit Joey D, you look money.” I am money, and you can be too.