• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• CU Lions Massacred by Ballroom Dancing 77-3
• Sen. McCain: “Just Let Me Retire.”
• From the Archives
• Joey Dʼs Last Word on Not Sweating in School
• Everybody Poops...But How Do They Do It?
• A Scientific Study on the Phenomenon of Pre-Gaming
• A First-Hand Look at the Indigenous Peoples of Butler Library: The Ivy League Gone Wild
• Holiday Greeting Cards
• George W. Bush: The Final Countdown
• CULBA: The Columbia Underground Listing of Barnard Ability
• Donʼt Like Waking Up in Your Own Vomit?
• THE FED’s Reading Week Drinking Games
• Gossip Girl Comes to Columbia University
• Four out of Five Dentists Agree...
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.3

Henry Mortensen

BAKER FIELD, SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26—While the bright sky on Baker Field may have mirrored the uniforms of the Lions football squad this afternoon, it was the dark faces typical of Columbia Football that told the story. But this was no ordinary loss. After an hour of grueling play, the varsity football team lost its place as Columbia University’s official NCAAF representative.

As quarterback John Wells, CC ’10, put it between endless streams of tears and moans of exhaustion and pain from two cracked ribs, “Too fast, too graceful, too…unstoppable, like Bambi on ‘roids….”

The dance team challenged the Lions on October 25 at Campo, a popular local hangout. Fresh from their only victory this season against Dartmouth, the team announced, after a few rounds of tequila shots, that it was taking any and all challengers. Equally emboldened by several Long Island ice teas, Ballroom Dance Team member Judy Smith stood up and said that she was, “ready, anytime, anywhere; my crew will take you pussy ass motherfuckers to the cleaners.”

The two teams chose Sunday, October 26, noon, at Baker Field to settle their differences. After winning the coin toss, the dance team chose to receive the ball, making it to its own 42 yard line on the reception. In a blinding flash, Smith handed off the ball to Quickstep dancer Jimmy Chu. Chu proceeded to pirouette through the defensive line for 20 yards before meeting linebackers, Bill Dees, CC ’11, and Russell Jackson, CC ’11, and literally walking all over them.

Dees and Jackson had to be carried off the field in stretchers. Dees was completely unconscious and remains in critical condition with a fractured skull and a ruptured spleen. Jackson had this to say: “All I remember was a flash of sequins and lace… then I felt my forearm shatter under those shiny black shoes and it all went black. But I could’ve sworn I saw that chick getting dipped with a rose in her mouth…who does that!? These guys…they’re inhuman….”

The further four touchdowns in the first half and six in the second half gave Ballroom plenty of time to display their graceful prowess, showering adoring fans with an array of dips, Viennese waltzes, cha cha pieces, and even a show of aerial capoeira before the referee called the team for excessive celebration.

Ballroom was not happy with the decision, but rather than contest it, rumba dancer Elaine Smits punted referee James Irons off the field and into the Hudson; his body, aside from the spray of blood that drenched the field, has yet to be recovered.

For all of its athletic prowess, Ballroom did not play a clean game. They were called for holding, horsecollaring, facemasking, and excessive contact a total of 3,579 times. One incident shattered running back Robinson Cruz’s, SEAS ’09, helmet, splattering blood and brains onto the field. In another instance, salsa dancer Buttercup Rose collided with linebacker Donnie Willis, CC ’10, catapulting him into the air 20 yards downfield; he is currently in St. Luke’s undergoing trauma therapy and treatment for severe internal bleeding. These combined penalties gave the varsity team their first and only goal shot from the 0.0025 yard line, allowing them to score a field goal.

In a recent interview, Ballroom Dancing spokeswoman Donna Hayes said that allegations of steroid/adrenaline/painkiller use, “are completely ludicrous,” stating, “ballroom dancing does not make everyone a lethal weapon, but our club has a rigorous and competitive training method. For example, our joint program with the Navy SEAL BUD/S academy. Ballroom Dancing has always embodied the best Columbia has to offer, and it is clearly time to take a larger role in representing the University.”

In a press conference after the game, Football Coach Norries Wilson released an official statement announcing his resignation. In the document he states, “…I came to Columbia to make us winners, but it is clear to me now that the folks over at the Ballroom Dancing Team will provide the University’s football program with more drive and tenacity than I could ever even dream to give. I am truly and deeply sorry for my failed efforts and to the team; they’re good men. They just weren’t ready for this level of competition...” [For a full text of Coach Wilson’s statement see page N32.]

Additional reporting was done for this article by Mr. Jacob Horowitz, Ms. Dara Smith, and Mr. James Franco.