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In This Issue

• CU Lions Massacred by Ballroom Dancing 77-3
• Sen. McCain: “Just Let Me Retire.”
• From the Archives
• Joey Dʼs Last Word on Not Sweating in School
• Everybody Poops...But How Do They Do It?
• A Scientific Study on the Phenomenon of Pre-Gaming
• A First-Hand Look at the Indigenous Peoples of Butler Library: The Ivy League Gone Wild
• Holiday Greeting Cards
• George W. Bush: The Final Countdown
• CULBA: The Columbia Underground Listing of Barnard Ability
• Donʼt Like Waking Up in Your Own Vomit?
• THE FED’s Reading Week Drinking Games
• Gossip Girl Comes to Columbia University
• Four out of Five Dentists Agree...
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.3

Sarah Levin

A 2nd Treatise on the Privacy Requisite to the Expulsion of the Bowels.

Ah, yes. A rather common dilemma. You are settled in the final stall with the usual bathroom accoutrements: a full roll of doublequilted Charmin, bought from the local grocery, and an exhilarating Agatha Christie novel. As you take deep breaths, gaining fortitude and concentration for your difficult (yet delightful) task, a plebian abruptly enters the bathroom and settles himself in the stall next to you, rudely intruding upon your solitary delight! As most Columbians of class find the so-called “communal” bathroom environment antithetical to the concentration and fortitude necessary for a consummate performance, you would then be wise, in order to gain the requisite privacy, to heed the advice contained herein.

The great military strategist, Napoleon Bonaparte, is credited with the advent of the first privacy-geared bathroom strategy. In the 1793 Siege of Toulon, Napoleon devised the tactic of “waiting-it-out,” whereby he blockaded the castle of Toulon, ultimately forcing the surrender. Following its success in Toulon, Napoleon employed the “wait-it-out” strategy in the French army’s barracks , successfully waiting upon his toilet until Brigadier general Alon Duponte, who regularly occupied the stall next to him, finally left. Yet, the increasingly widespread use of this tactic has led to a dangerous predicament—modern day students in adjacent stalls often each choose to “wait-it-out” in the hope of outlasting the other. Yet, in Napoleanic terms, double-siege merely leaves both parties trapped within their own castles, unable to let down their draw bridges….

This next strategy can be attributed to former Sen. Larry Craig. Since the mid-90s, the act of sliding one’s foot under the barrier between your stall and the adjacent one has become an illicit symbol of homosexual proposition. Sen. Larry Craig, realizing homosexuals represent a small minority of the population, devised a precarious yet efficacious tactic. As he writes in a 2002 blog entry, “I thought if I slide my foot underneath the barrier, I can freak the straight fuckers out so I could shit alone.” Though Craig ultimately slid his foot under the wrong stall, a keen attention to floormates’ foot wear will make this a safe and effective strategy.

Though Napolean and Sen. Larry Craig provide the foundations of the canon of stratagem, I feel that the following tactic, told to me by my grandfather, can serve the Columbia student well. I remember well the day that my grandfather sat me upon his knee and explained to me the importance of exercising the bowels in private. It is only in complete solitude that one can channel, through meditation, the requisite state of mind for a successful completion of defecative abortion. It was after this talk that my grandfather explained to me the following strategy, with the express order that I tell no one but a direct male descendant. In imparting this knowledge to you, Columbia student, I defy my grandfather.

Upon hearing another individual enter the bathroom, quickly cease your defecative activities. With great alacrity, tuck your knees to your chest, holding them there firmly such that no part of your body is visible from outside of your stall. If the vagabond enters the stall adjacent to yours, wait no less than 30 seconds and no more than a minute—allow him to begin his business (but take solace…he shall not complete it). Then, ever-so gently, turn your body to the barrier between your stalls. Prepare yourself with a few deep breaths and finally, with all the force you can muster, bang upon the divider, hitting it as hard as you can! Repeatedly pound upon it! Bang it so loud that the sound resonates through the empty halls of Butler! Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang! Like Butler, you shall soon find your halls empty.