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In This Issue

• CU Lions Massacred by Ballroom Dancing 77-3
• Sen. McCain: “Just Let Me Retire.”
• From the Archives
• Joey Dʼs Last Word on Not Sweating in School
• Everybody Poops...But How Do They Do It?
• A Scientific Study on the Phenomenon of Pre-Gaming
• A First-Hand Look at the Indigenous Peoples of Butler Library: The Ivy League Gone Wild
• Holiday Greeting Cards
• George W. Bush: The Final Countdown
• CULBA: The Columbia Underground Listing of Barnard Ability
• Donʼt Like Waking Up in Your Own Vomit?
• THE FED’s Reading Week Drinking Games
• Gossip Girl Comes to Columbia University
• Four out of Five Dentists Agree...
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.3

“Yes we can. Yes we did!” So we heard. But maybe The Man just wants us believe that “we did.” THEY WATCH knows that the “real America” is waiting in the wings for their chance to strike back against the blue-state heathens. THEY WATCH will not let hope blind him from his duty. Right now, the only “change we can believe in” is climate change. So put that wheatgrass shake down and take a shot of paranoia, America (the not-real-America parts). This is THEY WATCH.

I: Actual words from Sarah Palin’s mouth responding to the (apparently erroneous) claims that she did not know Africa was a continent: “My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.” Sorry, folks. Martin Eisenstadt didn’t make that one up. That came straight from the horse’s mouth—Fox News. Alaska, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota=THEY!

II: No, seriously. What the hell were you thinking? South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas=THEY!

III: On the other hand, it will be nice to hear you guys complain about how much you want to move to Canada for a change. Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia=THEY!